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ain’t ye COmN’ TO BED? JT’S RALE COLD ANYHOW WID THE DOOR OPEN!” See page 21. 







Mrs. Fizzlebury’s New Girl. 


A TR UL Y DOMESTIC 8T0R Y. 


X DE OOEDOVA. 


( 


iS 


WITH ILLUSTRATION'S BY G. B. CANTON 





NEW YORK: . 

G. IV. Carle ton Co.y Publishers. 


MDCCCLXXVIII. 








« 


■ 'n: .. 


Trow's 

Printing and Bookbinding Co., 


OPmiONS OF THE PRESS. 


‘ ‘ An ingenious story, well told, but evidently plagiarized from the Second 
Book of Homer.” — Herald. 


* ‘ A most amusing book, but the style is too Aristotelian to escape the 
charge of imitation of the great Greek philosopher.” — Times. 


“The most sober and grave person cannot read ‘ Mrs. Fizzlebury’s New 
Girl,’ without breaking his sides with laughter, but the plot is stolen 
entirely from the Hovujti Organum of Lord Bacon. ” — Star. 


“ A more laughter-inspiring work has not appeared in a century; but 
the plagiarism of Herbert Spencer is glaring. ” — Utica Remembrancer, 


“ We have laughed even to tears over De Cordova’s new work, ‘ Mrs. 
Fizzlebury’s New Girl.’ It is intensely entertaining; but it is obvious 
that the author had been reading Euripides ” — Springfield ChurcJi Advo- 
cate. 


“ We must praise the book for its humor and admire it for its wit ; yet 
we cannot but regret that Mr. De Cordova has so unblushingly put forth 
as his own what was originally written centuries ago by Xenophon.” — 
Boston Trumpeter. 

• 

“ ‘Mrs. Fizzlebury’s New Girl,' a delightful little work just published 
by Carleton of New York, is issued with the name of De Cordova on the 
title-page as its author — a pretension which will not deceive anybody who 
remembers the Third Book of Virgil.” — FhUadelphia Morning Cocka- 
lorum. 


“ De Cordova’s new book is fully as clever as anything he has yet done. 
The style in which ‘ Mrs. Fizzlebury’s New Girl ’ is written, is, however, 
strictly Chaucerian, and the plot is to be found in Aristophanes. The 
cleverness of the American adaptation, however, almost excuses the theft.” 
— Nantaskei Evening Blazer. 


“The New Humorous Sensation — ‘Mrs. Fizzlebury’s New Girl’ — will 
please everybody ; but the barefaced boldness of Mr. De Cordova in pre- 
tending to the authorship of the work must offend the taste of every critic 
who is familiar with the Dialogues of Plato, where the entire story — 
almost word for word — is to be found, as is well known to all scholars.” — 
Squarn Mid-day Chronicle. 



• 9 


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CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER I. 

PAGE 

Introductory; 9 

CHAPTER IL 

The Eizzlebury Family ; 13 

CHAPTER III. 

The Opening Scene in the Attic 19 

CHAPTER IV. 

Mr. Otto Potthausen 25 

CHAPTER V. 

Potthausen, Parkin & Co. in the “ Intelligence Office ” 
Business 34 

CHAPTER VI. 

The New Girl, Parkin 44 

CHAPTER YII. 

The New Girl is Disgusted 57 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Attempted Escape of the New Girl .‘ .' . . . 64 

CHAPTER IX. 

The Bloated Aristocrat of the Kitchen 70 


8 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER X. 

FAGB 

Monsieur Couac — Not Monsieur de Couac. 79 

CHAPTER XL 

Monsieur de Couac — Not Monsieur Couac 87 

CHAPTER XII. 

The New Girl Seriously at Work Under Difficulties.. . . 94 

CHAPTER XIII. 

The Conspiracy 101 

CHAPTER XIY. 

There is some Confusion in the Correspondence 109 

CHAPTER XV. 

Highly Detrimental to the New Girl’s Character 113 

CHAPTER XYI. 

The Melancholy Exposure 120 

CHAPTER XYII. 

The Battle of the Rivals 128 

CHAPTER XYIII. 

Black Friday and Humble Pie. 138 

* CHAPTER XIX. 

Parkin Again Makes the Acquaintance of Mr. Fizzle- 
bury.. 149 

CHAPTER XX. 

The Wedding Breakfast 153 


MES. FIZZLEBUEI’S NEV&IEL. 


CHAPTER I. 

The first scene to wliich I would introduce 
the reader of this narrative is an attic fioor in 
the residence of Mr. and Mrs. Fizzlehury, in 
Never-mind-what Street, and at No-matter- what 
number, at a tolerably sharp distance up-town in 
the City of New York. It was a square and 
very bare compartment, which had been parti- 
tioned to make two small bedrooms, evidently 
for the occupation of servants. The rest of the 
fioor remained as the builders had left it, save for 
the presence of four old weather-beaten trunks, 
which looked as though they might once have 
been new and could tell of better days. 

Of the two apartments in this attic both were 
rudely and sparely, not to say coarsely, fur- 
nished. Each had its wooden bedstead and. its 
1 * 


10 Mm FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 

little table witb a chipped washbasin on it. 
The walls, bare of paper and sadly in need of 
paint, were dirty, and exhibited proofs that 
many matches had been made to contribute to 
the burning of the midnight oil — evidently oil^ 
as there were no, gas-burners. The coverlets had 
the appearance of having been deprived of the 
attention of a laundress for many months, and 
the pillow-case in each room — there were two 
pillows on each bed, but only one of them was 
treated to the luxury of a case — was dirty as 
with stains of grease. A small bit of rug, so 
fall of holes that it was hard to tell how little 
of the floor it might have occupied when it was 
new or how much it would ultimately occupy 
before it fell altogether to rags, was in one 
room. The floor of the other chamber was en- 
tirely bare. In the apartment which was beau- 
tified with the rug just mentioned, there was a 
small bit of looking-glass, held in its place 
against the wall by the aid of three nails ; a 
glass of no shape known to civilized geometry, 
though it might have found its counterpart in 
any piece taken hap-hazard out of one of the curi- 
ous little ivory boxes containing Chinese puzzles. 
Both apartments were so extremely small that a 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


11 


servant called upon to occupy either of them 
might properly have regarded herself in the light 
of a document, to be pigeonholed at night and 
taken out in the morning. 

The chamber which had the advantage of the 
rug and the looking-glass was evidently in the 
occupation of a woman-servant, for a black dress 
and a bonnet were hanging on nails driven into 
the wall. The rugless and mirrorless apartment 
was without an occupant at the time of which 
we are speaking, and was closed and locked. 

• To explain why I have said “ at the time of 
which we are speaking,” it is necessary to declare 
at once the peculiar feature (well known to all 
the dwellers in the neighborhood) of these two 
apartments. 

Mrs. Fizzlebury kept two servants — that is to 
say, that her residence passed at the “ Intelligence 
Offices” for a house where two servants were kept. 
For consistency’s sake, therefore — if for no bet- 
ter motive — two servants’ rooms were provided. 
But during the fifteen years of Mrs. Fizzlebury’s 
tenancy of that house, both servants’ rooms had 
never been known to be occupied at one and the 
same time. The reason whereof’ was that Mrs. 
Fizzlebury so frequently changed her servants 


12 


MRS, FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


that when she had a cook she was always with- 
out a housemaid, and was on the look-out for one. 
And before she had acquired a housemaid, the 
cook had either been dismissed or had given in 
her resignation and left, of her own sweet will, 
the Fizzlebury service. Why this adverse des- 
tiny hung continually over the Fizzlebury man- 
sion, confusing the Fizzlebury breakfasts and 
ruining the Fizzlebury dinners, leaving the house 
and furniture unclean and untidy, and in short 
throwing everything into disorder ; souring the 
temper of Mr. Fizzlebury, hardening the hearl 
of Mrs. Fizzlebury and worrying Miss Fizzle- 
bury out of much of the I’omance affected by 
that young lady, must be told in another chap- 
ter. 


CHAPTER. 11. 


THE EIZZLEBURY FAMILY. 

Mrs. Fizzlebury was a remarkably fine 
woman ; with a remarkably fine husband, whom 
she ordered about ” in their domestic relations 
and worried — not to say badgered — in their 
daily life ; and a remarkably fine daughter who, 
Mrs. Fizzlebury said, had an eye that showed 
that she was born to command.” Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury was, likewise, one of that very numerous 
class of women who aim at so playing the cards 
of society as that they shall be regarded as very 
fashionable persons, without going to much ex- 
pense, though they are ready to go to any 
amount of trouble, to entitle them to that dis- 
tinction. To this end, Mrs. Fizzlebury gave, 
twice every season, two grand parties, whereto 
very many rich people were invited, of whom 
few came, and to which very few poor relations 
were asked, of whom all came. At these 


14 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW OIRL. 


splendid “ reunions^’' as Mrs. Fizzlebiiiy loved to 
call them (though she understood no more of 
French than the little dog which she ostenta- 
tiously carried when she took her airings in the 
hired carriage, with a driver in liveiy-stable 
livery, all buttons and a bad hat) : at these 
unions.^ there was always supper,” skilfully ar- 
ranged to look very grand and hospitable, but 
very weak in material and soon consumed. No- 
body was ever known to have an indigestion or 
a headache caused by a Fizzlebury supper. 

In all this Mrs. Fizzlebury was to the fashion- 
able world what the frog in the fable was to the 
ox. She was ready and willing to try, even to 
bursting, to obtain a status in what persons who 
are in society call “ society,” but she had not yet 
succeeded. 

Mr. Fizzlebury, who was simply the clerk in 
attendance on his wife, we might say her cashier, 
paying her bills, and running on errands, some- 
times to the butcher’s or grocer’s, and always to 
the “ Intelligence Office,” was likewise a very fine 
man, and a highly pious man, being a church- 
warden, and occasionally letting his name appear 
in the newspapers in lists of collections for char- 
itable, and especially for missionary, purposes. 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


15 


He was to the general body of Christian philan- 
thropists what the tadpole is to the frog; he 
might be one of them as soon as he had found 
the grace to be so, but he had not yet found the 
grace. 

Miss Fizzlebury was called a remarkably fine 
girl by her fiatterers ; who might have been sin- 
cere if they really liked a tall, meagre, osseous, 
high-shouldered figure with thin, comp]*essed lips, 
sandy hair, and that eye (it was a gray one and 
so was its fellow) which showed, according, to 
her Mamma, that Miss Fizzlebury was “ born to 
command.” 

The Fizzlebury family were, therefore — as was 
plain to be seen and understood by everybody — 
a remarkably fine family. But 

But they could not keep a servant longer than 
a week or ten days. Why such was the case I 
cannot explain, and if I could I would be afraid 
to do so ; I can only repeat what was said, on 
both sides, on this subject. 

Mrs. Fizzlebury said that she could not ac- 
count for it ; except that “ the servants in this 
country are the most horrid, dirty, untruthful, 
dishonest, uncivil, treacherous, ungrateful wretch- 
es, my deal*, that it is possible to imagine.” 


16 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW QIBL. 


I know of families wko, starting on tke princi- 
ple that even servants have feelings like other 
Christians; that they require more food than 
persons who do not perform manual labor ; that 
they can be sensible of a kindness and can resent 
an injury or an insult, — contrive to keep their 
servants for years, and to make them attached 
to their home and its members. 

But Mrs. Fizzlebury, who was a very fine 
woman, and Mr. Fizzlebury, who was a remark- 
ably pious and charitable man, started with ser- 
vants on a totally ditf erent theory. These ex- 
cellent and fashionable persons regarded servants 
as animals with preposterous appetites which it 
was not wise to indulge ; as creatures who, being 
ignorant and holding a station which offered no 
advantages whatever to the Fizzlebury family, 
must, from the outset, be regarded with suspicion 
and made to understand that everything said by 
them would be received with doubt until it 
could be proved by subsequent investigation. 
In short, the position of a servant was of itself 
^rima facie evidence that it demanded vigilance 
on the part of the mistress to prevent the milk 
from being drunk like water and then watered 
like strong drink; the cold meat, bread, sugar, 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW OIBL. 


17 


coffee and tea from being surreptitiously ab- 
stracted for the benefit of relatives outside ; and 
the coal from being disposed of, with the swill, 
to the dishonest soap-fat man, before the family 
came down in the morning. Thus the idea of a 
servant’s presuming to expect the comforts of a 
moderately well-furnished bedroom, or being 
entitled to such luxuries as a servants’ bath- 
room or a clean table-cloth at meals, or to reas- 
onably frequent changes of bed-linen, was scouted 
as “ simply ridiculous.” 

“My dear,” Mrs. Fizzlebury has been heard 
to say to one of her fashionable friends, “ my 
dear, they are just like the brutes of the field 
that we read of in the Scriptures. They cannot 
appreciate a kindness. I gave that rubbishing 
Maria one of my old collars last Monday, and 
she left me on the Tuesday. You cannot do 
anything for them. They are so ungrateful. 
And liars ! oh ! ” 

The servants, on the other hand, told an en- 
tirely different story. They said that the sup- 
pers at Mrs. Fizzlebury’s parties might look very 
splendid, eked out as they were with cheap wine 
from which the labels had been carefully removed 
before the bottles were set on the table ; but that 


18 


MBS. FIZZLEBURT’S NEW GIRL. 


the food, all the rest of the year, was very scant, 
and what might be called “ very short commons; ” 
that the tea and sugar which Mrs. Fizzlebtiry 
gave out on Saturday night with the admonition 
that they must serve for the coming week, were 
insufficient for three days, but that the supply 
was never increased ; that the help ” were treat- 
ed as if they were dogs ; and, to sum up, that the 
house was the meanest, stingiest, and most miser- 
able in all the City of New York. 

Accordingly, a servant would seldom remain 
many days, and could leave only after endless 
haggling concerning the exact amount of wages 
due, how much was to be deducted for breakages 
and forfeitures for not having remained longer, 
accompanied sometimes by the calling in of a 
policeman to turn out the refractory servant with 
less money than she ought to have had ; with 
other and similar meannesses for which some 
remarkably fine families are unen viably notori- 
ous. 

And thus it was that the house got a bad name 
at the “ Intelligence Offices,” and that Mrs. Fiz- 
zlebury was regarded as a highly cantankerous 
old girl who was always wanting a new girl. 


CHAPTER III. 


THE OPENING SCENE IN THE ATTIC. 

The reader will now return witli me to tlie 
attic mentioned in the first chapter, for the pur- 
pose of being introduced to the New Girl whose 
very brief residence in Mrs. Fizzlebury’s house 
is to be described in these pages. 

No servant had ever entered that service so 
unwillingly or had stayed in it so short a time 
(the new girl was only twenty-eight hours in the 
Hotel Fizzlebury), or was so glad to leave it. 

I have, then, the privilege of presenting the 
New Gild to you, as she stood, in an undecided 
attitude and with a troubled and even disdainful 
and angry countenance, outside the bedroom 
which had the advantage of the rug and the bit 
of looking-glass. The other pigeon-hole was 
closed and locked, and we shall have no further 
business with that apartment. 

The door of the more favored room, already 


20 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW OIRL. 


occupied by the cook of the establishment, was 
half -open; and, if you had stood there, good 
reader, as the New Girl did, you would have 
remarked, as she did, that there came from it an 
unpleasant and musty odor, as of long imprisoned 
clothing originally laid in in a damp condition. 
It may have been for this reason, or from some 
equally powerful motive, that the New Girl, in- 
stead of entering the room which she was to 
share with the cook, and retiring for the night 
as any other new girl should and probably 
would have done, remained outside the door with 
an anxious, irritated and even terrified counte- 
nance, betokening, to say the least, uneasiness of 
mind. 

She was a somewhat masculine woman was 
the New Girl, with cunning, spiteful eyes, and a 
rough face that might have belonged to a closely 
shaved man. ^ 

And there she stood at the half -opened door, 
as obstinate as a mule, and as deaf as an adder 
to the repeated invitations of the other domestic 
siren who, in occupying what she esteemed to 
be her half ” of the little bed, almost entirely 
filled it. 

“ Whist now ! ” said Cook, “ what are ye doin’ ? 


MRS. FIZ^ZLEBURT'8 FEW GIRL. 


21 


Ain’t ye cornin’ to bed ? It’s rale cold here any- 
how, wid the door open ! ” 

Why can’t I have the other room to myself ? ” 
enquired the New Girl. 

“ Didn’t I tell you already down stairs ? ” re- 
plied Cook. “ Didn’t I tell you there’s a rat, 
and goodness knows what besides, dead some-^ 
where in the flooring, and the smell’s so awful 
bad that you couldn’t bear yourself in it at all ? 

I can smell it in here this minute; and the 
room’s locked up till the smell goes away in- 
tirely, so you’ll have to sleep in here wid me, 
and I wish you’d come in at onct and let me 
shut the door, for I’m shiverin’ now.” 

The New Girl vouchsafed no answer and 
moved not a step. 

“I’m only two days in the house myself,” 
pursued the cook, speaking to herself, “ and I 
don’t think I’ll stay here long, anyway. This is 
the most onconvanient pigpen of a room I was 
ever in in my life, and the bed’s that hard — as 
hard as owld cider. It’s your flrst night here, 
and I don’t believe you’ll sleep much at all, at all. 
But say ? Are you goin’ to stay there all night, 
or are you cornin’ to bed ? I want to shut the 
door.” 


22 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW OIRL. 


“You can shut the door av you please,” said 
the New Girl at length, with a curious accent, 
which was neither Irish, German, English nor 
American, and with a gruff voice (another un- 
womanly feature), and with a quick, impatient ^ 
and somewhat spiteful manner (a perfectly 
^ womanly feature). “ You can shut the door av 
you please ; I’m not coming into the room ! ” 

“ Eh ! what ? ” cried Cook, rising to a sitting 
posture in the bed and turning half round — a 
movement which caused so much creaking in the 
bedstead as to impress the New Girl with the 
idea that the entire contrivance, cook and all, 
must inevitably tumble to pieces.. “ Eh ! what’s 
that you say ? — you’re not cornin’ into the room 
to-night ? ” 

“ I am not,” responded the New Girl, if possi- 
ble more testily than before. 

“ The saints be good to us ! ” exclaimed Cook ; 
“what’s that for ? ” and there was a pause. “ Is 
it because I’m Irish that you don’t want to sleep 
wid me ? ” 

“ Oh, don’t be a fool,” replied the New Girl — 
her temper evidently rising ; “ I’m Irish myself ; 
but I’m not coming into the room because I 
don’t want to.” 


MMS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


23 


“ Holy motlier ! ” cried Cook, again turning 
round in the bed, to the audibly imminent dan- 
ger of utterly destroying the ancient structure 
beneath her. “ Holy mother ! Maybe it’s be- 
cause I’m a Catholic that you won’t come to 
bed.” 

“ Oh, go to ” began the New Girl, in an- 

swer, but suddenly correcting herself : “ shut 

up and mind your own business, will you ? I’m 
a Catholic myself ; but the priest has put a pen- 
ance on me that I’m not to sleep in a bed for 
two months.” 

“ Oh, galory ! ” cried Cook, devoutly crossing 
herself, and falling back to a lying posture in 
the bed, whereupon the bedstead so groaned and 
creaked under the weight of that lady that its 
remaining whole could be regarded only as a 
miracle — oh, galory ! and are you goin’ to 
sleep out there on the cold floor here in the 
dead of winter ? ” 

am,” replied the New Girl; saying which 
the bony, brawny young woman strode like a 
dangerous giant into the little apartment, pulled 
a quilt off the now recumbent form of the sleepy 
cook, causing another series of awful groans 
from the bedstead, laid the coverlet down on the 


24 


MBS. FIZZLBBURY'8 NE^y GIRL. 


floor outside in the company of the trunks, 
wrapped herself in that dirty covering, and, to 
all appearances, went to sleep. 

How it fell to Mrs. Fizzlebury’s lot to acquire 
the services of this remarkably ungainly, awk- 
ward, ugly and ill-tempered girl will be explained 
in the chapter after the next. 


CHAPTER IV. 


ME. OTTO POTTHAUSEJSr. 

Maistt years have not elapsed since the memor- 
able season when the Fizzlebury family spent a 
few of the hottest weeks of the year at Lake 
Mahopac. And it can scarcely be necessary to 
say much here of that fashionable watering-place. 
Everybody knows that while the summer com- 
pany is usually slow and solemn at Niagara; 
highly respectable but excessively old fogy at 
Sharon ; fast and sufficiently mixed to make it 
somewhat dappled at Saratoga ; very much oi 
polloi Sindi so much mixed that one might almost 
call it, in local language, “snarled” at Long 
Branch ; and quiet, but delightfully social and 
genial, at that sweet American Eden known as 
Lake George ; the company at Lake Mahopac 
combines the characteristics of all the other 
watering-places. 

Thither, however, went the Fizzlebury family — 


26 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


father, mother and daughter ; and thither also, 
among thousands of others, went a young gentle- 
man who was evidently a person of means. He 
drove a splendid team in a costly dogcart ; he 
dressed superbly and in pretty good taste — for 
Lake Mahopac ; he kept a boat on the lake ; he 
played on the piano pretty well, and sang Eng- 
lish and German ballads fairly — for an amateur ; 
he frequently made to his lady acquaintances 
such innocent presents as the philopoena permit- 
ted and mammas could not object to ; he was 
admirable in the waltz, laudably persevering in 
the galop, and indefatigable in the German ; and 
his name was Otto Potthausen. 

And this Mr. Otto Potthausen fell in love 
with rawboned Miss Arabella Fizzlebury, whose 
eye showed that she was born to command.” 

It was rare fun for the bystanders to see how 
tenderly he looked into that eye when he sang, 
with so much feeling and sentiment that many 
believed him to be on the point of breaking into 
tears, “Du hast die schonste augen.” And Ara- 
bella went so near falling in love with him as to 
excite wonder that when he made his final shake 
at “ Mein liebchen, was wilst du noch mehr ? ” 
she did not plumply answer “’Potthausen.” All 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'8 NEW GIRL. 


27 


of wliicli was not only very delightful, but was 
even a little exciting for Pott (as his friends were 
accustomed to call him in the way of brevity), 
until at length society at the Lake began to talk 
about it, and to say that if Miss Fizzlebury was 
really born to command” — for that little joke 
had got wind in some of the hotels — she would, 
in all probability, shortly command Mr. Potthau- 
sen. 

Mr. Fizzlebury was not a whit displeased at 
this aspect of affairs. The rule of his house was 
similar to the rule of the “ Fossil ” Club to which 
he belonged — namely, that “ poor men were not 
wanted there ; ” and he was rather tickled with 
the idea that a wealthy young fellow was likely 
to propose to his daughter. Nevertheless, Mrs. 
Fizzlebury, who fully shared her husband’s hopes 
in this respect, adopted the tactics usual with 
that description of mamma known as the mater- 
nal intriguer. She pretended not to be aware 
that Mr. Potthausen was particularly attentive 
to her daughter, and she took her husband and 
child away with her from the Lake, in order to 
let the world ” of that little place suppose that 
Papa and Mamma did not care to do anything 
that might be supposed to foster the attachment. 


28 


MRS, FIZZLEBURT^S NEW OIRL. 


Mrs. Fizzlebmy accordingly gave Mr. Pofcthausen 
a cordial, but by no means pressing, invitation to 
visit tbe family in tbe autumn, and gracefully 
retired to the city residence. 

Mr. Pottliausen did make several visits to the 
Fizzlebury family after they had but a short 
time returned to the city ; and he must have 
been rather demonstrative of his affection for 
Miss Arabella, seeing that, soon after my return 
to town, I received a visit one morning from a 
highly starched and very dignified gentleman, who 
looked as though he might recently have swal- 
lowed a gingham umbrella with the case on — so 
straight and puffed-up was his appearance — and 
who announced himself as “ Mr. Eliphalet Fizzle- 
bury.” 

He came, he said, to enquire into the stand- 
ing and means of Mr. Otto Potthausen, who has 
been — ah — paying visits at — ah — my house, and 
who seems to have intentions touching — hem ! — 
my family in a manner — hem ! — not now neces- 
sary further to particularize. He has spoken of 
you to my — ah — my daughter, in fact, as a 
friend, and I would be obliged for any informa- 
tion on the subject.” 

How, Pott was a good fellow, in the social 


MES. FIZZLEBURT'8 NEW GIRL. 


29 


application of this somewhat common phrase ; 
and I frankly told Mr. Fizzlebury all that I 
knew concerning that young gentleman. I said 
that I did not regard Mr. Potthausen as a very 
learned party ; but that I knew him to be an 
amiable, honorable, generous, good-tempered, one- 
bottle man, whom it was a pleasure to know, 
and whose friendship it was a privilege to ob- 
tain. 

“Is he,” enquired Mr. Fizzlebury, “is he — ah 
— wealthy ? — that is to say, has he any means ? ” 

“ Not much of his own that I know of,” I an- 
swered ; “ but it is generally believed that his 
father is reasonably wealthy, and it is within my 
knowledge that he is extremely generous to his 
son.” 

“ Ah ! then,” said Mr. Fizzlebury, “ his father 
is living ? ” 

“Oh, yes.” 

“ In this city ? ” 

“ Certainly,” said I ; “in the Eighth Avenue.’ 

There was a curious expression on Mr. Fizzle- 
bury’s countenance when I mentioned the Eighth 
Avenue as the residence of Papa Potthausen. 
It might have meant consternation, and it might 


30 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


have meant disgust, or it might have been in- 
duced by a mixture of both. 

“ In the Eighth Avenue ! ” exclaimed . Mr. 
Fizzlebury. 

“Precisely,” said I. 

“ What, then,” inquired Mr. Fizzlebury — “ ex- 
cuse me, but what, then, may be the elder Pott- 
hausen’s profession, or business ? ” 

“ What, old Potthausen ? ” said I. “ Don’t 
you know ? I thought that everybody had heard 
of old Potthausen. He is and has been for ever 
so many years at the old-established place in the 
Eighth Avenue. He is a baker.” 

Now Mr. Fizzlebury had for many years been 
a carriage-builder, in which capacity he had not 
shrunk from building carts, and, I believe, even 
wheelbarrows. But he had retired from busi- 
ness ; and, as a retired capitalist, he naturally 
looked down on bakers, butchers, and other per- 
sons whose ideas were so grovelling as to lead 
them to be still industrious. So that when his 
aristocratic mind was informed that the elder 
Mr. Potthausen was only a baker, Mr. Fizzle- 
bury exclaimed with dignity, “ A baker ! ” and 
took up his hat and cane for an immediate de- 
parture. 


MMS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


31 


“ Yes, a baker,” said I, as Mr. Fizzlebury, pale 
and evidently horrified, prepared to leave me. 
“ And a very excellent baker, too, I assure you.” 
Mr. Fizzlebury was going without even saying 
good-morning.” I saw at once that he was a 
fully developed “ snob,” and, unwilling to spare 
him, I bawled to the retreating old fool, pursu- 
ing him even to the landing outside to finish 
what I had to say : “ I cannot boast of his Ger- 
man bread, because I never eat that kind of 
stuff, and don’t like it ; nor of his twists, which 
are rather softer than suits me ; but his French 
bread is excellent, and his rolls wiA j^etits jpains 
are delicious.” 

Mr. Fizzlebury had decamped, and I returned 
to my easy-chair and laughed till I fairly wept. 

It appeared, however, that I had unwittingly 
done young Potthausen much mischief by my 
too frank revelations to Mr. Fizzlebury. A few 
days afterwards, Pott, accompanied by our mu- 
tual friend, Fred Parkin, who was something in 
the Custom House, came to consult me concern- 
ing the totally unexpected and most deliberate 
insult which had been put upon Mr. Potthausen, 
junior, by the Fizzlebury family. 

Pott said that Mr. Fizzlebury was a purse 


32 


MBS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


proud aristocrat, who, after inviting him and 
receiving several of his visits, had recently left 
a message for him with the servant to the effect 
that the family would in future be very happy 
to take their daily supply of bread from his 
father, but that the visits of the son could no 
longer be tolerated. 

Under these circumstances, Pott, who had 
vainly sought effective counsel from Parkin — a 
most agreeable young fellow, but utterly bank- 
rupt in the commodity of advice — had come to 
consult me. 

I recommended him to write to the young 
lady and request her to say frankly if the con- 
duct of her parents in this matter met with her 
approval. But Pott said that he had written to 
her many letters — as many as three in one day 
— and that he was certain that they were inter- 
cepted and had not been allowed to reach her. 
He had even laid in wait, at the corner grocery 
for the Fizzlebury servant, and had presented 
her with a fee of five dollars as a recompense 
for delivering a letter into Miss Arabella’s own 
hands ; but he had since learned that the servant 
had been discharged that same day, and turned 
out of the house, through the agency of a police- 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBY'S NEW GIRL. . 33 

man, and — as Pott believed — bad not bad an 
opportunity of delivering tbe letter. 

“ Suppose,” I suggested, “ suppose you try 
another five-dollar bill on the new servant.” 

“ My dear friend,” responded Pott, “ it would 
be of no use in tbe world. I tried that the day 
before yesterday ; but tb^ are always changing 
girls in that house, and seldom or never have a 
servant. When I rang tbe kitchen-bell this 
morning, expecting to see tbe cook answer it, 
Mrs. Fizzlebury herself came to the door — 
frightening me almost out of my wits — and 
slammed it in my face. I went directly up to 
the corner gr-'^cery, and was there informed that 
there were not any servants in the Fizzlebury 
establishment, the two girls having left, the 
evening before, in a condition of remarkable 
emaciation from the want of food.” 


CHAPTER V. 


POTTHAUSEN, PARKITT &^CO. IIS' THE ‘^INTELLIGENCE 
OFFICE ” BUSINESS. 

“ Then there are not any servants, at present, 
in the Fizzlebury mansion ? ” said I. 

“So it would appear,” said Pott, somewhat 
equivocally ; “ only a cook ; and she cannot be 
suborned, because she does not go out at all. 
Old Fizzlebury does the marketing and the 
errands, I suppose.” 

“ Then they want a girl now ? ” I enquired. 

“ Of course they do,” replied Pott. “ They 
are always wanting a girl.” 

“ Well, then, my dear Pott,” said I, “ the means 
of communicating with the young lady are at 
once apparent. They know you, and you can’t 
go there. Mr. Fizzlebury knows me, for he was 
at my apartments a few days ago, and I cannot 
go there. Now, Parkin, do they know you ? ” 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL, 35 

“ They never saw me in their lives,” answered 
Parkin. 

“ You do not visit them ? ” 

Not I,”- replied Parkin. . 

“ Did you never come in contact with Mr. 
Fizzlebury in the way of business ? ” 

“ Never,” said Parkin. “ Being in the Cus- 
tom House, as you are aware, I never go out in 
the business parts of the city, and, as Mr. Fizzle- 
bury never has anything to do in the Custom 
House, he would not know me from Adam.” 

“ Tlien, Parkin, my boy,” I exclaimed, “ as 
Nathan the Prophet said unto David, ‘Thou art 
the man.’ The moment has arrived when you 
can render yourself immortal by performing an 
act of devoted friendship. Pott, communicate 
immediately to Parkin your message for the 
young lady. Send directly to the costumer’s on 
the avenue for the complete costume of an Pli- 
bernian Biddy. Lend me a shaving-brush and 
a razor, and I will at once shave Parkin, and he 
shall call this evening, provided with a character 
which I will write for him, and he shall hire 
himself to Mrs. Fizzlebury in the capacity of a 
housemaid, in which position he will remain in 
that family a quarter or half an hour, or as 



“thou art the ma^j. 






MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


37 


long as may be necessary for the delivery of 
your message and the obtaining of an answer. 
His interview with that young lady will enable 
you to know her sentiments by eight o’clock 
this evening.” 

Pott’s countenance brightened at the idea, 
which, I rather flatter myself, was an excellent 
one. Parkin’s face, on the contrary, was pale, 
and exhibited evidence of great perturbation of 
mind. He was a fellow of a quick sense of 
humor ; but he was afflic'ted with a feeling not 
common in the New York Custom House — he 
was bashful. 

“ Do you mean to say,” cried Parkin, in alarm, 
“ that I am to go to Mrs. Fizzlebury’s as a New 
Girl?” 

“ You undoubtedly are,” said I, peremptorily, 
“ You have guessed it rightly the first time ; and 
uncommonly well you will look w'hen dressed for 
the character.” 

“ What, with a moustache? ” exclaimed Parkin. 

“ A moustache ? ” said L “ Certainly not. 1 
am about to take that otf. It isn’t much of a 
moustache to part with, you know. Parkin” (and 
really it was not ; a little, fluify affair ; nothing 
to speak of in society, though probably what is 


38 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW OIRf^. 


vulgarly called a “big thing” in the Custom 
House). “You will have that taken off, Par- 
kin ; it doesn’t amount to anything. And, after 
all, it will only be a masquerade of an hour at 
the utmost. There is nothing in it. I would do 
it myself if I were not known to Mr. Fizzlebury, 
and ” 

In short, we overruled Parkin’s objections by 
loud talking, and, refusing to listen to his excuses, 
we expatiated largely on the proof which he was 
about to render of his friendly devotion to Pott- 
hausen, which we greatly applauded. I shaved 
him carefully, if not so closely as an expert might 
have done, after which solemn performance we 
dined sumptuously, at Pott’s expense and in his 
apartment. The hired costume arrived at half- 
past four, and by five o’clock w^e had Parkin ele- 
gantly rigged out in servant’s costume, with a red 
wig and an old bonnet on him ; making up for 
him the indispensable “ bundle,” composed of his 
waistcoat and trowsers, enveloped in two copies 
of the New York Herald., after transferring his 
watch and money to the pockets of the cotton 
gown now upon his person. 

Pott and I then did our best to put Parkin 
through his paces, which were much too energetic 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT^S NEW GIRL. 


39 


for his costume, and to drill him in the tactics 
becoming his assumed position. Our greatest 
difficulty was in the proper toning down of his 
voice to the feminine key. He invariably began 
very well, in a fine falsetto, the sentences pre- 
scribed for repetition in our improvised rehearsal ; i 
but before he finished a phrase his voice would 
lapse again into the hoarse gruffiness of a Custom 
House official replying to troublesome enquiries 
from a member of the stupid and importunate 
public. 

However, we had him drilled and fairly ready 
for our enterprise by about half -past four o’clock, 
at which hour we endeavored to start him on his 
friendly mission. But all our persuasion failed 
to prevail on Parkin to go out into the street, 
afpparelled as he was, before dark. He did not 
care, he said, whether the place was filled or not 
before he arrived at Mrs. Fizzlebury’s house. 
“I am making an awful fool of myself,” said 
Parkin, and for no other man than Pott would 
I have consented to sacrifice my moustache, which 
I have been so long and so carefully rearing. 
But, if I go any further in this most foolish and 
ridiculous affiair, I must be permitted to have my 
own way in it ; and my own way most decidedly 


40 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT-'S NEW OIBL. 


is, not for any consideration that can be named, 
to appear in the street with this absurd costume 
on, before it is quite dark. If the situation be 
already taken by some other girl-. — ” 

Up to this point we had fairly kept our counte- 
nances ; but when Parkin so far merged his own 
identity into that of his costume as to speak of 
another girl as his alternative, Pott and I could 
not contain ourselves any longer, but broke into 
uncontrollable laughter. 

Parkin ground his teeth, and continued his re- 
marks with- a determination of manner worthy of 
a Collector of Customs. “ I say again, if the sit- 
uation be already filled, I shall not be sorry — in- 
deed, I shall be very glad — for you fellows are 
taking advantage of my good nature and my un- 
fortunate inability to say ‘ no,’ even when I posi- 
tively ought to say ‘no’ to my best friend, to 
make a perfect fool of me ; a dolt — an ass — ^that’s 
what I am ! ” 

We did all we could to console Parkin with 
the refiection that his masquerade and the duty 
which he had so nobly undertaken would not 
occupy more than an hour. But Parkin was deaf 
to our remarks, and almost burst into tears when, 


MBS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


41 


in liis angry strides, lie chanced to pass tlie look- 
ing glass. 

However, as there was nothing to do but to 
wait, we waited until it was quite dark, and 
then Parkin consented to go out. And such, in- 
deed, was our own want of sagacity, that, un- 
mindful of appearances, and unable to dissociate 
in our minds the absurd figure before us from 
our friend, Fred Parkin, we actually sallied forth 
to accompany him to the near neighborhood of 
Mrs. Fizzlebury’s residence. We sorely repented 
this lack of discretion when we met on our way 
three several parties of ladies and gentlemen at 
whose houses we visited, and who frowned omi- 
nously as they beheld Pott and me walking at 
either side of a gigantic servant-girl, whose news- 
paper bundle I was actually carrying for her. 

To confess the truth, we were both heartily 
ashamed of the company of our poor victim be- 
fore we had gone a hundred yards with him, and 
were very glad indeed when, arriv^g at the cor- 
ner which had been agreed upon as our stopping- 
place, we bade him God speed and left him to 
perform the remainder of his mission unaided and 
alone. 

•There vrere tears in Pott’s honest eyes at this 





PARKIN GOING TO THE SACRIFICE 





MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


43 


proof of Parkin’s devotional sacrifice on tlie altar 
of friendship, as he remarked while watching the 
new girl’s monstrous strides down the street, 
“ He’s a good fellow, now, and I’m sure it’s most 
kind of her, and I shall never forget his friend- 
ship. But, as you say, it will be only half an 
hour’s inconvenience for him, and when she comes 
back we’ll drink a bottle of champagne with him, 
and I declare I don’t know of anything that she 
might ask me to do that I wouldn’t readily do 
for him.” 


CHAPTER VI. 


THE NEW GIRL, PARKIN. 

Parkin stopped at the bar at the corner and 
fortified himself with a glass of something hot 
and strong, to the amazement and amid the 
winks of the persons in attendance; and then, 
resolutely determining that, if the ingenuity of 
man could compass this end, he would have 
speech with Miss Arabella before he had been 
ten minutes in the house, he strode to his des- 
tination, and rang the bell with a feeling of des- 
perate courage. Mrs. Fizzlebury, in person, 
opened the door, and Parkin was admitted. 

By Mrs. Fizzlebury the appearance of Parkin 
(the New Girl) was accepted as a mark of the 
great bounty of Providence in her utmost need. 
The proprietor of the Intelligence OfiSce had 
promised that a servant should be sent to lier at 
four o’clock 'that afternoon. But the hour had 


MUS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


45 


passed, and so also had the girl; who, having 
heard, before she left the office, of the detestable 
character of the house, had declined to become 
an inmate thereof. Mrs. Fizzlebury was, there- 
fore, suifering much distress of mind, and had 
willingly consented that Miss Arabella should 
go and dine at her Aunt Keduser’s, since it 
would be impossible, without a housemaid, to 
have a comfortable dinner at home. 

It must be added that Miss Arabella had her 
private reasons for wishing to be frequently at 
her Aunt Keduser’s; because that lady lived 
opposite to the residence of Arabella’s most inti- 
mate friend and confidant, Miss Wobbleham, 
who received and delivered, in secret and totally 
without the knowledge of their parents, certain 
notes which frequently passed between the 
Count de Couac, who was Miss Wobbleham’s 
singing-master, and Miss Arabella. But of this, 
more by-and-by. 

Great had been Mrs. Fizzlebury’s distress that 
afternoon, and correspondingly great was her 
joy on beholding Parkin, though, if the truth 
must be told, he was anything but an agreeable 
girl to look upon. 

Come in — come in ! ” said Mrs. Fizzlebury, 


46 


MRS, FIZZLEBURY^S NEW GIRL. 


with much affability. “Mr. Jackson at the In- 
telligence Office promised that you would be 
here at four o’clock, and it is now past seven. I 
began to think that you were not coming ! ” 
Parkin felt that a resort to all of poetic imag- 
ination that he could command must be at once 
made. 

“ I went up to Harlem, ma’am, to tell my sis- 
ter that I had got la place,” said Parkin, as h-e 
followed Mrs. Fizzlebury into the parlor, and, 
after the manner of servant-girls in our day, 
seated himself in front of Mrs. Fizzlebury, who 
was standing. 

. “ You seem to have a severe cold,” remarked 
Mrs. Fizzlebury; “you appear to be very 
hoarse ! ” 

“A very bad cold, indade, ma’am,” said Par- 
kin, wincing with the fear that his masculine 
voice might spoil everything ; “ a very bad cold, 
ma’am. I caught it washin’ the windys with 
hot water one very cold day, and the byes in the 

street was very rude, indeed, ma’am ” 

“Well, never mind about that,” interrupted 
Mrs. Fizzlebury. “ What is your name ? ” 

“ Mary, ma’am,” said Parkin. 

“ Mary what ? ” inquired the lady. 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT^S NEW OIRL. 


47 


“ No, ma’am, av you plase, but Mary Murphy, 
ma’am.” 

''Ah, Mary Murphy!” repeated Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury. Have you a recommendation, Mary ? ” 

"I have, ma’am,” replied Parkin, finding, 
with much difiiculty, the pocket of the strange 
garment then on his person, and into which he 
had stowed his money and his papers. 

Hastily selecting the document which looked 
like the character which I had that morning 
written for him, he handed it, with a show of 
much confidence and integrity, to Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury. 

That lady adjusted her spectacles, opened the 
paper, frowned, and looked, as one puzzled, 
toward Parkin. 

" One pair ! ” said Mrs. Fizzlebury, reading ; 
" one pair pantaloons, fifteen dollars I One 
pair ” 

Parkin almost snatched the paper from her, so 
eager was he to secure it, and exclaimed : 

" That’s not the paper, ma’a n ; that’s a bill be- 
longing to — my brother, ma’am. Here is my 
character, ma’am ! ” 

And Parkin really trembled when he handed 
the recommendation to his new mistress. 





‘‘that’s not the paper, ma’am, that’s a 

BROTHER, ma’am ! ” 


BILL BELONGING 


TO MY 



MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


49 


It was, indeed, as I, its author, flatter myself, 
a most powerful document, and showed forth 
Parkin in a light of which he, or any other Cus- 
tom House clerk, under similar circumstances, 
might well have been proud. It ran as follows ; 

“ I take pleasure in certifying that the bearer 
is an excellent girl, of strictly moral character, 
high principle, and surprisingly moderate appe- 
tite. She is honest to a fault, and most civil and 
obliging to her employers. She has lived in my 
family eleven years, and leaves us, to our very 
sincere regret, because of our intended departure 
for Europe next week. 

Mrs. Smith, 

“28 Plymouth Pock Avenue, Brooklyn.” 

As a rule, it is safe for a girl, without a recom- 
mendation, to have one manufactured as dating 
from Brooklyn. It is a long way off for a lady 
who lives in the upper part of New York, and 
who, happening to be badly in want of a servant, 
will probably say, “ Well, you can come, and the 
day after to-morrow I will go over to Brooklyn, 
and see the lady, and, if I find that she confirms 
this, it will be all right ; ” and so, if the girl 


60 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBY'8 NEW GIRL. 


suits for a day or two, the proposed visit to 
Brooklyn is put off from day to day, and the 
lady never troubles herself to go thither. It may 
ha23pen that, one fine morning, the new girl robs 
the house and decamps, whereupon the lady de- 
clares that she never again will engage a servant 
on a written recommendation — a determination 
to which she rigidly adheres until the next time, 
when her indolence and a pressing necessity may 
induce her to forget or waive her resolution. 

This recommendation,” said Mrs. Fizzlebury, 
to Parkin, “is quite satisfactory, and, in a day or 
two, I will go over to Brooklyn and see Mrs. 
Smith. Are you an early riser, Mary ? ” 

“ Five in the Summer, and six in the Winter, 
ma’am,” said Parkin. 

“ That will do very well,” remarked Mrs. Fiz- 
zlebury, blandly. She was always honey to an 
incoming girl, and vinegar to an outgoing one. 

, “ Can you remain to-night ? ” 

“ Oh, yes, ma’am, certainly,” responded Par- 
kin, rather more eagerly than was quite pru- 
dent. 

“ Your duties here,” observed the wily lady, 
in the most cordial tone she could assume, “ will 
not be very severe. You will, the first thing in 


MM8. FJZZLEBUBY^S NEW GIRL. 


51 


the morning, sweep out the parlor and the din- 
ing-room after dusting the furniture. You will 
then set the breakfast-table, and give Mr. Fizzle- 
bury his breakfast. In the course of the morn- 
ing you will attend to the bedrooms and make 
the beds (Parkin winced at this announcement 
of what — expressed and understood — would be 
expected of him ) ; but before doing so, and as 
Miss Arabella and myself always breakfast in 
bed, you will bring mine and Miss Arabella’s up 
to our bedrooms. (Parkin shuddered and half 
rose from the chair with an idea of making his 
escape, lest he might hear something still more re- 
volting in the catalogue of his duties.) You will 
then wash up the breakfast things, clean the 
knives, and assist Cook in the laundry -work. 
Are you a good washer and ironer, Mary ? ” 

Parkin groaned in spirit at this new horror, 
but he had sufficient presence of mind to answer, 
“ Illigant, ma’am.” 

“You will also go to market,” continued Mrs. 
Fizzlebury, “ do what mending of the clothes 
may be required, set lunch, perform such errands 
as may be needed, black Mr. Fizzlebury’s boots 
(Parkin could scarcely sustain this last shock, 
and was on the point of saying that he would 


52 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL. 


see Mr. Fizzlebury sometliinged first ; but be re- 
strained himself, and Mrs. Fizzlebury con- 
tinued) : “You will wait at table at dinner and 
tea, take the plate up to my bedroom on your 
way up to bed ; and, by-the-way, can you make 
pastry, Mary ? ” 

“ Splindid, ma’am,” said Parkin. 

“Very good, indeed,” remarked Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury, who fiattered herself that she now had the 
very pearl of housemaids. “ Very good, indeed. 
And your wages ? ” 

“ Twelve dollars a month, ma’am,” answered 
Parkin, promptly. 

“ Oh, dear ! ” cried Mrs. Fizzlebury, “ I never 
pay more than ten.” 

“ I’m speakin’ in currency, ma’am,” observed 
Parkin. 

“ So am 1, Mary,” responded Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury. 

“ Well, ma’am,” said Parkin, anxious to have 
these preliminaries over, in order that he might 
the more speedily obtain speech of Miss Ara- 
bella, “Well, ma’am, seein’ it’s you, ma’am, I’m 
willin’ to say tin dollars to begin ; thin if I 
shute you, ma’^m, you’ll make it twelve ; ” which 
was readily agreed to by Mrs. Fizzlebury as a 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


53 


condition wliicli bound ber specially to nothing, 
and because she made it a point always to agree 
to anything and everything when a new girl was 
to be employed. 

Parkin, then, according to the plan which had 
been agreed on between us as necessary thor- 
oughly to blind his new mistress, began to play 
his part in the putting of questions. 

“ How many girls do you keep, ma’am ? ” 

“ Two,” answered Mrs. Fizzlebury ; “ a cook 
and a housemaid.” 

“ I’m afraid that wouldn’t shute me, ma’am,” 
said Parkin. “ In my last place, at Mrs. Smith’s, 
in Brooklyn, there was four girls, besides the 
coachman and the gardener, a small boy and a 
dawg, ma’am.” 

This answer immediately impressed Mrs. Fiz- 
zlebury with the idea that the imaginary person- 
age whom Parkin called Mrs. Smith, but who 
was only a sort of Long Island Mrs. Harris, 
inust be a highly respectable person whose 
acquaintance it would be very desirable to 
cultivate. She certainly would call on Mrs. 
Smith. 

“ Well,” said the sly old ladjq who was ex- 
tremel}^ anxious not to say anything likely to 


54 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'8 NEW OIBL. 


disgust tlie new girl, “we have for some time 
had an idea of keeping three girls, and I think 
we shall shortly do so.” 

“ How about the table, ma’am ? ” inquired 
Parkin. “What sort of a table do you keep, 
ma’am ? because I never could eat cowld meat, 
and wouldn’t like to be asked to do it ; and you 
know yourself, ma’am, that any lady as is a lady 
would not by no means ask a girl to eat cowld 
meat.” 

Mrs. Fizzlebury promptly declared that she 
rarely, if ever, required her girls to eat cold 
meat. (She did not ; it was not every day that 
they had meat, warm or cold.) 

“ You allow two aivnings out in the week, I 
suppose, ma’am ; as other ladies does ? ” 

“We always allow one evening in the week,” 
said Mrs. Fizzlebury. (This was pa^rtially true. 
One evening was always stipulated ; but when 
it was claimed, Mrs. Fizzlebury invariably ad- 
duced the fact of the other girl’s having gone 
away that day as a reason why the privilege 
must be withheld.) 

“ I have always had Wednesday aivnin’ to my- 
self, ma’am,”* urged Parkin; “and av course 
Sunday aivnin’ is my rights. To be sure, ma’am. 


MliS. FIZZLEBURT'8 NEW OIRL. 


55 


you won’t ask me to drink black tea ; I always 
drinks green, ma’am.” 

“ I never take any other myself,” remarked 
Mrs. Fizzlebury, who always bought for the 
kitchen the cheapest she could find, reserving the 
higher-priced sorts (and not very high-priced 
either) for her own table. 

‘‘You need not trouble yourself now about 
these matters,” said Mrs. Fizzlebury, as soon as 
Parkin gave her a chance to speak. “ If there 
is anything in the house that you don’t like, 
you can let me know,” continued the lady in her 
most wheedling tone. “ Have you brought your 
trunk with you 1 ” 

“No, ma’am,” replied Parkin, “I^ve brought 
only this bundle, until we see how we git along 
together.” 

“ Well, go down-stairs then,” said Parkin’s 
mistress, “and Bridget, my cook” (she said 
“my cooki’ as though she had a proprietary 
right to Bridget, though she had been in the 
family only two days) — “ Bridget, my cook, will 
show you how to lock up the lower part of the 
house, and to bring the plate up-stairs, which is 
all that will be required of you to-night.” 

And the New Girl, thus installed, was on her 


56 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT'8 NEW GIRL. 


way down tlie kitclien steps, to which Mrs. Fiz- 
zlebury pointed, when, suddenly remembering 
that he had not yet seen Miss Arabella, who was 
the chief, and, indeed, the only object of his 
visit. Parkin turned and again confronted Mrs. 
Fizzlebury. 


CHAPTER VII 


THE NEW GIEL IS DISGUSTED. 

“ I BEG your pardon, ma’am,” said Parkin ; 

but I hope the young lady is a nice, agreeable 
young lady, ma’am ? ” 

She is generally so considered,” answered 
Mrs. Fizzlebury, with a grim smile ; but she said 
no more. 

Parkin was baffled. 

“ Couldn’t I see the young lady and pay my 
respects to her ? ” he inquired, with what he con- 
jectured might be regarded as a respectful but 
winning grin. 

“ You will to-morrow J'* replied Mrs. Fizzle-* 
bury. “Miss Arabella has gone to my aunt’s. 
Miss Keduser, in Fifty-first Street, on a visit, 
and won’t be home till to-morrow afternoon for 
dinner.” 

Miss Arabella had gone to Aunt Keduser’s, 


58 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S MEW QIRL. 


with the hope of receiving a letter from the 
Count. 

This unexpected blow completely floored Par- 
kin, and he stood there, like a man drunken as 
with wine, staring at Mrs. Fizzlebury, and hur- 
riedly reviewing in his mind the terrible situa- 
tion. Gracious Heaven ! ” thought Parkin, 
‘‘ what is to be done % ” To quit the house that 
night, after having accepted the engagement, 
would be at once to lose all chance of being 
again admitted,' and of being enabled to serve 
Potthausen. But, on the other hand, to remain 
in the house and in such a costume all night, 
would be terrible. He thus stood cogitating 
until a yawn from Mrs. Fizzlebury reminded 
him that whatever course he would have to take 
must be immediately resolved on. The reflection 
flashed across his mind that, come what might, 
he must remain. To have sacrificed his mous- 
tache and placed himself in so humiliating a 
‘position, and then to go away without effecting 
anything, would be to render himself ridiculous 
throughout the remainder of his life. “ In for a 
penny, in for a pound,” thought Parkin. He 
would remain ; and he turned again towards the 
kitchen steps, determined to complete the sacri- 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW OIBL, 


59 


fice wliicli lie had begun on the altar of friend- 
ship. So bewildered was he that he scarcely 
heard Mrs. Fizzlebury’s remark; or, if he heard 
it at all, it seemed to him as though he heard it 
in an unpleasant dream — “How very tall you 
are, Mary ! ” until that lady repeated the obser- 
vation, when he answered mechanically that he 
had “ caught it from washin’ the windys one very 
cold day with hot water,” a reply which, fortu- 
nately, Mrs. Fizzlebury paid no attention to ; 
and he followed her down to the kitchen, where 
he was duly presented to the cook as the New 
Girl, Mary.” 

“ Murphy, ma’am,” added Parkin. 

“ Have you had any supper ? ” inquired Cook, 
directly Mrs. Fizzlebury had quitted the kitchen. 

Parkin was very surly and ill-tempered, and 
answered gruffly : 

“Yes.” 

“ And it’s a good thing for you,” replied Cook, 
“ for there isn’t a bit you’d have av you hadn’t.” 

So Parkin sat and looked at the cook, and the 
cook sat on an opposite chair and looked at Par- 
kin, for nearly an hour, during which period Par- 
kin’s feelings were becoming more and more bit- 
ter. 


60 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBY'8 NEW OIBL. 


At lengtli tlie presiding genius of the kitchen 
rose and said to Parkin : 

Come, now, and I’ll show you how to lock 
up the house. He’s got a latch-key, and nobody 
has to wait for him —but we takes all the keys 
upstairs with the plate. It’s a patent lock on 
the front door, and when it’s locked and the key 
upstairs, nobody can’t open it, inside nor out, 
without the latch-key, but he’s got that T^id 
him.” 

“ Who’s he ? ” enquired Parkin. 

“ Why the husband,”, answered Cook, who was 
evidently incensed against the Fizzlebury family 
generally; for she instantly launched into so 
particular a history of the meannesses and stin- 
ginesses of the “ ould woman (meaning, of 
course, Mrs. Fizzlebury), eked out with the ex- 
aggeration common to all of her class, that had 
Parkin really been a femaje domestic, he would 
have taken fright and refused to remain another 
minute under a roof which covered so much 
wickedness. 

When the shutters had been closed and the 
doors locked. Cook informed Parkin that, as she 
had to speak to the ould woman ” (thus was 
Mrs. Fizzlebury irreverently designated through- 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBY'S JYEW GIBL. 


61 


out the period of Parkin’s stay in that family), 
she (the cook) would take up the plate and the 
keys, and Parkin might go up at once to bed. 
This was just what Parkin most desired to do, 
for the wig made his head very warm, and he 
longed to take it off. 

He accordingly enquired of the cook : 

“ Which is my room ? ” 

“ There’s two rooms in the attic,” said Cook, 
“ but one of them is locked up because there’s a 
rat or something dead in the flooring. The 
other room is open, and that’s our room.” 

“ Our room ! ” ejaculated Parkin, with a small 
shriek. ‘‘ Great Heaven ! Can’t I have a room 
to myself ? ” 

“ A room to yourself ! ” replied cook. “ A 
room to yourself indade ! Do you think you’re 
in the Queen’s palace to London? You’ll find, 
my dear, that there’s some difference between 
this mean owld house and the Queen’s palace 
to London. The saints have mercy on us ! 
A room to herself, indade ! What next, I‘ 
wonder ? ” 

And thus it was that Parkin stood outside the 
door of the attic bedroom, as described in the 
third chapter of this veritable history, with an 



“ OUR ROOM ! ” EJACULATED PARKIN WITH A SMALL SHRIEK. 


MJRS. FIZZLEBUBY'S NEW GIBL. 


63 


anxious, troubled, and disgusted expression on 
his countenance. 

Now, Cook was evidently, and to all intents 
and purposes, a domestic virago ; and had she, for 
a moment, suspected the sex of the New Girl, 
she would have raised such a riot in the house 
and neighborhood as had never before been 
known in that aristocratic locality. And, in like 
manner, had she had an idea of the disgust with 
which Parkin regarded her, in his present heart- 
rending dilemma, I believe she would, then 
and there, have scratched his eyes out. But, 
ignorant on both these points, she limited her 
suspicions to the belief that the New Girl was 
proud ; because she (the cook) was Irish, or 
because she was a Catholic ; and she cherished 
this idea until Parkin explained his unwilling- 
ness to come into the bedroom on the score of 
“ a penance put upon him by the priest.” 

Parkin, as we have seen, finally strode into 
the darkened room, dragged from off the bed a 
quilt or blanket, laid it down on the bare floor 
outside, wrapped himself in that dirty covering, 
and so far appeared to go to sleep that the cook 
believed she heard him snoring. 


CHAPTER Till. 


ATTEMPTED ESCAPE OF THE NEW GIKL. 

Paekin did not — could not — sleep. Enraged 
at Ills folly and weakness in suffering kimself to 
be led into so terrible a position, be nevertheless 
resolved that, being in it, he would carry it out 
to what he called the “ bitter end.” He would 
not undergo, for nothing, what he had under- 
gone and was stili undei-going. It was a terrible 
sacrifice to make for his friend, but he would 
make it. 

^Liuch was Parkin’s heroic determination when 
he first laid himself down in a position of repose. 
But it was Winter time, and the weather that 
night was bitterly cold. Parkin began to shiver 
— slightly at first, severely after the first half an 
hour ; and, in what may be called the heat of 
his shivering, his friendly resolution began to 
melt away. After another quarter of an hour he 
began to feel incensed at what he considered to 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


65 


be the selfishness of Potthausen in placing him 
in such a situation. After half an hour more 
he suspended his abuse of Potthausen and began 
to call himself names, as “fool,” “dolt,” “ass,” 
for having undertaken so absurd a mission. 
After a further period of suspense he had got to 
seriously doubting the wisdom of his determina- 
tion to go on with the sacrifice which he had so 
unwisely commenced, and he thought he would 
be acting far more sensibly if he were quietly to 
creep down-stairs, let himself out at the front- 
door, and go home to bed. . 

Accordingly, and at nearly midnight, he un- 
wrapped himself from the quilt, groped his way 
in darkness, to the head of the attic stairs, and 
stole cautiously down — down — down — three 
successive flights, until he reached the entrance- 
hall. The door was locked, and the key was 
absent. “ Let us try the basement,” thought 
Parkin ; but the door to the stairs leading to the 
lower part of the house was also locked. This 
was worse and worse. What was he to do ? 
He heard the measured tread of a policeman in 
the street. Should he bellow and ask the officer 
to s'et him out I Absurd ! What would be the 

o 

clear duty of the policeman, under such circum- 


66 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'8 NEW GIBL. 


stances but to take to the station-kouse tke man 
discovered prowling around a house in female 
attire at midnight, and to keep him there till the 
next morning for exposure and judgment ? Then 
Parkin was visited with a happy thought. He 
would endeavor to get out through one of the 
parlor windows leading to the street. Horror ! 
the parlor doors were locked also. Despondent 
to the last degree, Parkin sat down on the lower 
step of the hall stairs and meditated. What 
had he done to deserve being placed in so fearful 
a position ? At any rate, and in spite of the 
cold weather, he had now become quite warm, 
by reason, firstly, of the horrid wig on his head, 
and, secondly, of the reflection that Potthausen 
and the author of this true story were, in all 
probability, enjoying themselves over a bowl of 
punch and with cigars at that very moment. 
The persjhration broke out freely on Parkin’s 
forehead, and he felt almost like weeping. 

Wkile so engaged he was suddenly startled by 
footsteps coming up the stoop,” outside. A 
moment afterwards he heard a latchkey in the 
lock. It flashed upon him on the instant that 
this must be Mr. Fizzlebury come home. Parkin, 
catching up his skirts lest they should trip him 





68 


MBS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW OIRL. 


in his flight, darted up the stairs like lightning. 
The rustling of his clothing caught Mr. Fizzle- 
buiy’s ears as he was about to close the door. 

“ Who’s there ? ” cried Mr. Fizzlebuiy. 

Terrified by this question, Parkin suddenly 
stopped, endeavored even to arrest his breathing, 
and awaited the result with what submission he 
could command. 

^‘It must have been fancy,” muttered Mr. 
Fizzlebury, as he banged the door to. 

Parkin, seizing the baluster as a guide in the 
darkness, and, trusting that the echo caused b/ 
the shutting of the street door would conceal 
the noise of his footsteps up the stairs, made a 
sudden rush up the next flight. 

“ Is anybody there ? ” cried Mr. Fizzlebury, 
and stood still to listen. 

So also did Parkin. 

“ It’s that infernal cat again,” said Mr. Fizzle- 
bury to himself, and in measured steps pursued 
his way upstairs to the second floor. 

Parkin, who was now half way up to the third 
landing, waited till he heard Mr. Fizzlebury’s 
bedroom door close, and then, with drooping 
spirits and elevated skirts, crept up to the attic 
again, wrapped himself once more in the detested 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'8 NEW OIRL. 


69 


quilt, and mentally swore and fretted until nearly 
sunrise, when, thoroughly exhausted, he slept 
and dreamed that he was washing and ironing 
old Fizzlebury, after which it would be his duty 
to do Mrs. Fizzlebury up into a pie. 


CHAPTER IX. 


THE BLOATED ARISTOCRAT OF THE KITCHEN. 

Parkin was yet in tlie very heat and fever of 
his dream when he was rudely awakened by the 
voice of “the other girl” (the cook) desiring 
him to get up, as it was nearly seven o’clock, 
“ and the ould woman would be screaming like 
an ugly magpie if she didn’t hear us coming 
down-stairs.” 

“ You must feel awful bad,” said Cook, look- 
ing down compassionately on Parkin, “sleepin’ 
here on the cold floor all night, and in your 
clothes like that.” 

Parkin tugged the red wig into its proper 
place before he rose up. He then made to the 
cook a remark which perhaps had never before 
been made by one servant to another in Mr. Fiz- 
zlebury’s family. 

“ I should like,” said Parkin, calmly— “ I 
should like, if you please, to have a bath.” 

“A what?” cried Cook, taken almost oif her 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. Y1 

feet by tbe revolting character of this most un- 
usual request — “ a what ? ” 

A bath,” answered Parkin, with perfect cool- 
ness. Isn’t there such a thing as a bath-room 
in this house ? ” 

“ Oh, galory ! ” yelled the cook, and laughed 
like a crazy woman. 

What is the matter with you ? ” inquired 
Parkin. “ What are you grinning at like a 
fool?” 

“ A bath ! ” cried cook. Do you suppose the 
ould woman would ever let one of her help use 
her bath-room ? ” 

‘^Well, how do you wash yourselves, then?” 
innocently enquired Parkin. 

“ Why,” answered the cook, when we does 
wash we does it in one of the stationary wash- 
tubs in the back kitchen, or else one of us pours 
a bucket or two of water over the other. Av 
you’ll come down-stairs wid me now I’ll bucket 
you.” 

“No, thank you,” said Parkin, hastily, “I 
would rather not. Can’t I even wash my face 
and hands ? ” 

“To be sure, you can,” answered 'Cook. 
“ Come down wid me and I’ll show you.” 


72 MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S FEW GIRL. 

Poor Parkin ! Wliat with his agitation and 
kis want of sleep, kis kead was acking, kis joints 
were stiff, and kia spirits generally were greatly 
below par. In a very cross mood ke followed 
Cook down-stairs to tke kitcken. 

“ Tkere ye are,” remarked Cook, tkrowing 
down before kim an enormous piece of common 
laundry soap ; “ turn on tke Croton water and 
wask your face and kands as muck as you’ve a 
mind to.” 

“Very well; tkank you,” said Parkin; “and 
' now if you’ll kave tke kindness to go out of tkis 
apartment for a moment or two, I’ll wask my 
face.” 

Tkis was not pure baskfulness in Parkin, nor 
was it tke result of any maidenly timidity on 
tke part of Mrs. Fizzlebury’^^ New Girl. Tke 
plain fact was tkat ke could not perform kis 
ablutions without removing kis wig, wkick could 
not be done in presence of kis fellow-servant. 
But tkis person, not understanding tke motive 
of so muck unnecessary delicacy in a kousemaid, 
was incensed at wkat ske- naturally enough re- 
garded as “ tke hussy’s nonsense.” 

“ Heity toity ! ” exclaimed Cook ; “ are you so 
grand a lady tkat you can’t even wask your face 


MBS. FIZZLBBUMY’S JYFW GIRL. 


73 


before I go out of tlie kitcben? Indade, then, 
and I’d see you furder first, and sure you’re 
losin’ a lot of time wid your work. There’s the 
side- walk for you to sweep and wash, and — there 
now ! there’s the milk ! Get out now and take 
in the milk to oncet ! ” 

Now Parkin was a young man who, in the 
late war with the Indians, or indeed in any 
kind of war, would have marched up to the can- 
non’s mouth or to the sutler’s tent as willingly 
as he would have gone to breakfast. But to go 
out into the street, in broad daylight, in his 
present costume ? Not for worlds. He lacked 
the moral courage to do it, and he would not. 

Mentally bestowing a forcible imprecation on 
Potthausen, another on me, and a terrible one on 
his female companion, whom he silently con- 
demned to all the torments of Gehenna, he was 
suddenly struck with the happy thought that 
Cook might be open to the temptation of the 
aoiri sacr^a fames. 

Look here. Cook,” said Parkin, I have my 
reasons for not wishing to go into the street to- 
day!” 

Have you ? ” said Cook. 

The cry of Milk below ! ” was heard dis- 


74 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY^S NEW GIRL. 


tinctly in tlie kitchen, and increased Parkin’s 
misery. 

“ I have,” said Parkin. “ Never mind now 
wliat they are ; I will explain them to you at 
another time. I wish you to wash the sidewalk 
for me and take in the milk.” 

“ Milk ! ” again from the outside. 

“ You want me to do your work ! ” cried Cook. 
“Well, upon my word, you’re about the sassiest 
and impudentest girl I ever lived wid.” 

“ Milk ! ” was bellowed this time more vehe- 
mently than before. 

“ I’ll make it all right with you. Cook,” said 
Parkin. “ Here ; ” and as he put his hand into 
the pocket of his dress there came a most vocif- 
erous call of “ Milk ! ” from outside, and Mr. 
Fizzlebury put his head and night-cap over the 
baluster and, in angry tones, demanded to be in- 
formed why that milk had not been taken in ; 
the man had been calling at the basement door a 
quarter of an hour. 

“ Here are two dollars for you. Cook said 
Parkin, trembling all over. “ Take in the milk 
and wash the sidewalk for me.” 

Cook stared; but the two-dollar bill was a 
powerful argument with her, and the work was 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


75 


done. Parkin profited by her absence to take off 
his wig, place his head under the tap, and enjoy 
as thorough a washing of his face as the adverse 
circumstances would allow. 

Then there were the knives to be cleaned and 
the breakfast-table to be laid, all of which was 
done by Cook, who received therefor another 
dollar. 

Fortunately, Mr. Fizzlebury, while taking his 
breakfast, was intent on the newspaper, and did 
not notice the awkwardness of Parkin, who 
waited at table and had about as much as he 
could do to resist a burning temptation to pitch 
into Mr. Fizzlebury on the spot, and shake him 
by way of gratifying his (Parkin’s) sense of per- 
sonal injury. He broke to shivers two plates 
and a cup and saucer during the ceremony, and 
Mr. Fizzlebury mildly informed him that the 
value of those articles would be deducted from 
his month’s wages. 

At length Mrs. Fizzlebury rang for breakfast 
to be taken up into her bedroom. Cook had al- 
ready placed the meal on a waiter which she 
desired Parkin to carry up-stairs. 

“ Where am I to take it to ? ” inquired Par- 
kin. 


76 


MBS. FIZZLEfBUBY'S NEW OIBL. 


“To the ould woman’s bedroom,” answered 
Cook. 

“ What, into her bedroom ? ” said Parkin. 

“ Av coorse,” answered Cook. . “You carries 
up two wallers every mornin’ — one into the ould 
woman’s room and the other into the daughter’s 
room. You draws the little tables up alongside 
the beds and you puts the waiters on the 
tables.” 

“ But, for mercy’s sake,” said Parkin, “ where 
will the ladies be all that time ? ” 

“ Sure, they’ll be in their beds,” explained the 
cook ; “ they never gits up before tin o’clock.” 

“ Look here. Cook,” said the unhappy Parkin. 
“ Here’s a five-dollar bill for you. Invent any 
falsehood you please. Say, if you like, that I am 
quite ill and unable to do any work at all until 

the return of Ar I mean until this afternoon 

— and that five-dollar bill is yours.” 

Cook stared at this new evidence of wealth 
and prodigality on the part of a servant like 
herself, and was by no means loth to continue 
the transaction of private business on the scale 
which appeared to be the rule that day. But 
she was a woman, and therefore was inquisitive 
to know how much money the other girl pos- 


MUS. FIZZLEBURY'S. FEW GIRL. 77 

sessed. She was low-minded, and therefore was 
avaricious. 

You offer me live dollars,” said Cook, “ to go 
upstairs and tell a lie for you ? I’ll not do it ! ” 
(Parkin was frightfully perplexed on hearing 
this.) “ I’d not tell a lie like that for myself,” 
continued Cook, “ and I’ll not tell one for you 
— under tin dollars ! ” 

Parkin immediately dived again into his 
pocket and brought up another live-dollar bill. 

Get me out of doing what I do not wish to 
do,” said he, “and the ten dollars are yours. 
But remember ! I do no work of any kind until 
the afternoon, hlow, get me a bit of steak and a 
cup of coffee, and I’ll eat my breakfast while 
you go up and get me clear of work until I am 
ready.” 

Accordingly, Parkin sat down to breakfast at 
the point where Mr. Fizzlebury had left off, 
while Cook went upstairs and, with a very long 
face, related in detail to Mrs. Fizzlebury how 
that poor girl down-stairs must have eaten some- 
thing that had disagreed with her, “ for she is 
quite sick, indade, ma’am, and is groanin’ dread- 
ful.” To which, Mrs. Fizzlebury, as became a 
fashionably charitable woman, answered that if 


78 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBY'S NEW OIBL. 


the New Girl was ill she had better go home, as 
she would be of no use in that condition. The 
which being repeated to Parkin, he returned for 
answer — and he did it with his mouth full of 
steak and fried potatoes — that he was too ill to 
go home now, but he would do so this evening — 
after dark; and, in the meanwhile, he hoped 
that in the afternoon he would be able to wait 
on the ladies. 


CHAPTE-E X. 


MONSIEUR COUAC NOT MONSIEUR DE COUAC. 

Monsieur Couac was one of that remarkably 
large class of persons who come to America be- 
cause they have had misfortunes.” Monsieur 
Couac had been very unfortunate in his time, 
chiefly because, as he expressed it, he had always 
been misunderstood. 

To believe what Monsieur Couac said, one 
would be convinced that had society been wise 
enough to understand him, both he and society 
would have been much the better for it, and 
America would never have had the satisfaction 
of affording an asylum to that worthy man. 
But society everywhere, until he came to Amer- 
ica, had entered into a sort of conspiracy not 
to understand Monsieur Couac, whose motives 
had always been pure, philanthropic, philosoph- 
ical. 

Born somewhere in the South of France, he 


80 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


had gone to Paris because his fellow-townsmen 
had so far misunderstood him as to imprison 
him for some months in revenge for certain acts 
of his which the court designated as offences 
against the law, but which Monsieur Couac (he 
was only Monsieur Couac till he came to Amer- 
ica, when he assumed the prefix de) declared 
was only an unsuccessful attempt to enlarge the 
bounds of liberty and to aid suffering humanity. 
In Paris he had undertaken various positions, 
and had failed because he was always discon- 
tented and ambitious of better things. When 
he was simply a driver of a fiacre he longed to 
be an assistant in a grocer’s shop, as being a 
position higher in the scale of positions than that 
of a mere cocker. When he did become an as- 
sistant grocer he felt that he was worthy of a 
better position, and desired to be a shopman in 
a magasin on the Boulevard. Disgusted with 
this position, as too small a one for his ambition, 
he aspired to be a banker’s clerk, and did at 
length find employment in that direction. Here, 
however, he came to grief for misapplying his 
philanthropic views in the way of touching 
money which did not belong to him, and he was 
again put in prison, whence he emerged in the 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBY'S FEW GIBE. 


81 


glorious days of the Commune. Then did Mon- 
sieur Couac find scope for his ardent philan- 
thropy and his philosophical love of liberty. 
The most violent denunciator of society, as the 
plunderer of the workingman, no more active 
distributor of kerosene among the monuments 
designed for destruction was known in Paris 
than Monsieur Couac. Very fortunately for 
himself he managed to escape from France in fe- 
male disguise, and made his way to England, 
carrying with him certain funds which belonged 
to those workingmen who were also ardent 
friends of liberty and philosophical philan- 
thropy. 

In England, Monsieur Couac lived comfort- 
ably — one might say, even richly — during the 
short time that the money which he had brought 
with him lasted. When it was all gone. Monsieur 
spent much time in discussing with certain of 
his fellow-refugees the important question, if it 
was right that these milords — these miserable 
English imheciles — should have so much wealth 
and such fine houses, gardens, equipages and 
servants, while the true Mends of liberty, the 
philosophical and philanthropic refugees of the 
glorious Commune, who would have regenerated 


82 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


mankind, were left witkout a sou. However, as 
the answer to this question could be given only in 
a philosophical form, and as nothing short of prac- 
tical common-sense could enable these exiled pa- 
triots to obtain bread and meat whereon to exist, 
they were perforce compelled to find, somewhere, 
work which would afford the means of living. 
And Monsieur Gouac, the Unfortunate, was so 
fortunate as to obtain employment as a waiter 
in a coffee-house. In this position he had been 
running ahead of his old enemy, “ Misfor- 
tune,” for some weeks, when he was again over- 
taken. 

In a public-house, one evening, having taken 
a little too much “portaire beer,” of which he 
had become inordinately fond in England, he 
broke into the conversation of certain mechanics 
who were enjoying ale and pipes; and, in his 
broken English, descanted on the philosophical 
and philanthropic subject which was dear to his 
heart. In the course of these ' remarks he not 
only lauded the Commune, but spoke of the 
English laboring men in such polite terms as 
“ brutes without reason,” “ slaves who were will- 
ing to be the tools of capitalists,” “ cowards, 
who had not the courage to break their chains 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT^S NEW GIRL. 


83 


and let tlie miserable aristocracy feel tbe power 
of the workingman,” etc. 

All of which received little attention from the 
artisans around him, who were discussing among 
themselves the coming Derby, the prospects of 
the next University boat-race, the new song at 
a neighboring music-hall, and kindred subjects 
dear to the hearts of the Johnny Bulls of all 
classes. But at length, and when Monsieur 
Couac became more vociferous and more biting 
in his observations, as angry at not finding any 
of the company willing to agree or argue with 
him, or even to listen to him, one of the work 
men said to Monsieur Couac: 

“ Here ! stow all that rot, and sit down and 
take a pot of ’alf-an-’alf. We don’t know you, 
and you’ve been standing there over a quarter of 
a ’our calling us Englishmen names. Now stow 
it, and be’ave yourself.” 

This invitation making Monsieur Couac more 
furious than ever, he repeated in louder tones 
all that he had said before — namely, that the 
vorking mans of zis country are covarrts and 
slefs. You don’t know your r-r-r-rights and you 
have not the heart of mans to finish your slaf- 


84 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


All right,” said the workmaa who had be- 
fore spoken. “We are cowards and you’re a 

hass and a fool.’ Now keep quiet and let 

us hear what we’re a-talking about ’ere.” 

“ Ah ! you insult me, eh ? ” cried Monsieur 
Couac. “Well, zere ! I insult you;” and so 
saying Monsieur Couac threw into the face of 
the man who had spoken the few drops which 
remained in the glass from which the liberty- 
monger had been drinking. Almost in the same 
instant the artisan had half risen from the bench, 
his arm had gone out in a straight line from his 
shoulder like a battering-ram, and Monsieur 
Couac, bleeding profusely at the nose, was flying 
over the adjacent chairs in a manner which sug- 
gested anything but philanthropy. The artisan 
immediately sat down again, remarking: 

“ If you want any more, my flne fellow, there’s 
more where that came from. Bob, you’re all 
wrong about that, I tell you. The ^Tiser says 
the Cambridge crew this year will be the best 
that ever showed on the river, and if you back 
Hoxford you’ll lose the pot; now see if you 
don’t; and what’s more ” 

By this time Monsieur Couac had managed to 
get on his legs again. His face was bloody, his 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


85 


hair dishevelled, his clothing deranged, and his 
temper ferocious. 

“ Ah ! you have dare to make me a blow, eh ! 
If you are a man of honor you will give me satis- 
faction. I demand your card — if not, your 
name on a piece of paper. I have friends here 
which will be witnesses. Your blood, your life, 
shall pay to me this. Miserable ! scelerat ! I 
call you to a duel. If you respond not, I pro- 
claim you a IdeheP 

To which apostrophe the artisans present re- 
sponded with a peal of laughter. 

A duel ! ” cried they. “ Pistols and coffee ! ” 
“ Oh, law ! ain’t we frightened, though ! 

“ Waterloo Bridge would be a nice place, now; 
it’s so quiet ; or would you prefer Cheapside, 
sir, at nine o’clock in the morning ? Calm and 
comfortable there, sir, at that hour.” 

“ Ah ! ” exclaimed Monsieur Couac, “ you speak 
to me Waterloo, eh ! Lache ! Covart ! You 
will not fight? Then I strike you, also, igno- 
hle.r^ 

Out went Monsieur Couac’s hand, suiting the 
gesture to the word; but as quick as thought 
the artisan had parried it, and dealt a counter- 
blow, which again sent the communist to the 


86 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIBL. 


floor, whence lie was picked up by the publican’s 
people and put out into the street. 

The result of this encounter was the loss of 
Monsieur Couac’s situation, the coffee-house pro- 
prietor declining to retain in office a waiter whose 
eyes were blackened, betokening, to say the least, 
a degree of very low life totally inconsistent with 
the reputation of a respectable house of public 
entertainment. 

Thus thrown on the cold world. Monsieur 
Couac was, to a further extent, so unfortunate 
as to be detected in illegal attempts at obtaining 
money, from the punishment for which offence 
he escaped by secreting himself on a vessel bound 
for New York. And thus it was that America 
became the temporary residence of one of the 
most eminent “ friends of humanity ” and ‘‘ phil- 
osophers ” of the Kerosene School. 


CHAPTEE XI. 


MOJS-SIEUR DE COUAC NOT MONSIEUR COUAC. 

Arrived in New York, with but very little 
money in bis pocket, Monsieur Couac neverthe- 
less assumed very high airs ; and, at the cheap 
boarding-house to which he resorted, called him- 
self Monsieur de Couac, and exhibited indigna- 
tion when any fellow-boarder so far forgot him- 
self as to address the newcomer as Monsieur 
Couac. In common with most Europeans of his 
class who visit America for the first time, he 
imagined that he had arrived among a people 
but half-civilized,*to whom he could teach many 
things and from whom he could not learn any- 
thing, but towards whom he would affably con- 
descend. Americans, however, and foreigners 
who have lived many years in America, know so 
well how soon this conceit is taken out of the 
conceited stranger, that it is scarcely necessary 
to say that Monsieur de Couac had not been 


88 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBY^S NEW GIRL. 


many weeks in New York before Ms presumption 
came to an end simultaneously with Ms funds. 

Cured of tMs folly, Monsieur de Couac never- 
tkeless tkouglit that a little tromjperie., in a gen- 
teel manner, inigM be done among tke Ameri- 
cans; and accordingly lie bad Ms cards printed 
witk the “ ” very prominent on them, a coro- 

net on the top which showed his aristocracy, and 
the modest words “ Professeur de la langue Fran- 
gaise'''’ underneath, which showed his need of 
employment. In this capacity he taught, in par- 
tial payment of his board and lodging, two chil- 
dren of his landlady, who procured him other 
pupils, possibly from motives of benevolence, 
possibly as a means of enabling him to pay the 
remainder of her weekly charges. Armed with 
credentials from these scholars and their fami- 
lies, he extended his business by applications for 
further employment, based on his “ misfortunes,” 
as an unhappy nobleman who had fled his coun- 
try for political reasons, and especially because 
he could not remain in his beloved France and 
daily see her under the heel of the conqueror. 
Finding, however, that many of his countrymen 
— far more honorable and more discerning than 
he — monopolized much of the French teaching 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


89 


that was to be done in New York, he hit on the 
happy expedient of combining music with phil- 
ology, and announced himself also as a singing- 
master. He accordingly had new cards printed, 
on which he styled himself (always with the 
ornamental coronet on the top) : 


^jtLan.6.ie.u.t f^cx.u.cLC, 

Professeur du chant et de la langue Frangaise. 

On one fortunate occasion he met Mr. Fizzle- 
bury, and presented his card and his credentials. 
Mr. Fizzlebury, snobbish by nature and stingy 
by habit, was struck not only with pride at the 
idea of assisting to support a nobleman, but also 
with the economy of — if I may say so — kill- 
ing two birds with one stone ; in other words, 
of being enabled to engage for Miss Arabella a 
master of singing, and a master of French in 
one and the same person. Monsieur de Couac 
was, accordingly, engaged to impart what he 
knew of singing, which was very little, and 
what he knew of French, which was perhaps too 
much, to the 5^oung lady. 

Monsieur de Couac, however, had not been so 


90 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT^S NEW OIRL. 


engaged more than one quarter, when Mamma 
Fizzlebury observed and imparted to Papa Fiz- 
zlebury that the Count was somewhat too tender 
and too assiduous in his attentions to Miss Ara- 
bella, and that the young lady appeared to be 
rather too responsive to the nobleman’s ad- 
vances. Here was a point on which Monsieur 
de Couac and Mr. Fizzlebury were directly at 
issue. Monsieur de Couac did not care a snap 
of his finger for Miss Fizzlebury, as Miss Fiz- 
zlebury., but he cared a great deal for the rich 
man’s daughter, as an heiress, Mr. Fizzlebury, 
on the other hand, did not care for a son-in-law 
as a learned or scientific man, but he very much 
cared to find for his daughter a husband who 
had both wealth and position. He, therefore, 
dismissed Monsieur de Couac from the further 
teaching of either French or music to his daugh- 
ter ; but he kept the reason of his so doing to 
himself. It hurt his pride to let any one know 
that a penniless teacher — even though he was a 
Count — had presumed to look on Miss Fizzle- 
bury as a possible wife. With this feeling, and 
as a wise and benevolent man, he refrained from 
informing Mr. Wobbleham, to whom he had 
recommended the Count de -Couac, of the auda- 


MJRS. FIZZLEBURT'8 NEW GIRL. 91 

cious pretensions of that poor foreigner, and 
suffered him to continue his visits to Miss Wob- 
bleham. The truth was that Mr. Fizzlebury 
would have warmly welcomed the Count de 
Couac as a nobleman if he had been rich, or 
would have been most happy to favor the suit 
of wealthy young Potthausen if he had been a 
nobleman. 

Arabella, who had really fallen in love with 
the adventurer, chiefly because he was a Count, 
was very much vexed at his dismissal ; but con- 
soled herself with the reflection that she could 
occasionally see him at Miss Wobbleham’s, and 
could constantly communicate with him by let- 
ter through the agency of that facile friend. 

On the day, then, when Miss Arabella, avail- 
ing herself of the opportunity furnished by there 
being no housemaid, had made this a pretext for 
dining at her Aunt Keduser’s, she had received 
through the private post-ofiice over the way a 
most important letter from the Count ; the last 
of many that she had received during the month 
through the same channel of communication, 
and, indeed, the last that the Count ever wrote 
to her. 

It followed hard upon one which he had had 


92 


MR8. FIZZLEBUBY'8 NEW GIRL. 


the temerity to address to Mr. Fizzlebury only 
the day before, and, which, among other absur- 
dities expressed my idolatrie for your most 
adorable daughter, which I desire most pro- 
foundly to espouse, and which I shall cherish of 
all my heart.” This eloquent appeal was indig- 
nantly repelled by Mr. Fizzlebury who did not 
even deign to answer it. 

The substance of the Count’s letter direct to 
Miss Arabella, through Miss Wobbleham, was 
as follows : 

“ Most Ciiakming Mees : I wish not to de- 
preciate your estimable father in your eyes ; but 
the voice of nature shall be for us the voice of 
destiny. We love ourselves; we shall make us 
happy forever. I again once place at your 
amiable feet the homages the rhost tender, the 
most sincere, of my heart too sensitive. I say 
to you of all the strength of my soul let us fly 
ourselves. I will elope you this evening at nine 
hours, when a carriage will be to the before of 
the door of the house of thy father, my angel 
of the heaven, when thou and me and my ser- 
vant (who is in my confidence, and will call 
to you to-morrow in the afternoon by a pretext 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


93 


to arrange with you), we will all drive away to 
the holy clergy gentleman, which shall bestow 
thy cherished hand on me, the happy one. Thy 
father despises me, but that is me which 
shall create thy happiness.” With much other 
drivel of the same kind, which the romantic 
Miss Arabella regarded as the most beautiful 
amatory poetry ever written. 


CHAPTER XII. 


THE NEW GIRL SERIOUSLY AT WORK UNDER DIFFI- 
CULTIES. 

Cook continued, as tlie day wore on, to do her 
own work, and also that which properly should 
have devolved bn Parkin, who zealously kept out 
of Mrs. Fizzlebury’s way, and grew more and 
more anxious as the hour approached when it 
was expected that Miss Arabella would return 
home. But at about one o’clock in the afternoon 
a fresh horror took possession of the unhappy 
young man’s mind. 

As he sat dozing, with his elbow on the arm 
of the broken kitchen-chair, his person imbedded 
in the hole where the seat ought to have been, 
and his face resting on his open hand, the falling 
forward of his head, in his partial sleep, revealed 
to him, as his cheek slipped over his palm, that 


MUS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL. 


95 


— oh, Heaven ! his face was rough. His beard 
was reappearing. His hair was dark, and the 
slightest beard upon his face would be immedi- 
ately perceptible. Here was a new dilemma. 
He would certainly be discovered and dismissed 
i with ignominy, if, indeed, he were not handed 
over to the police as an insolent impostor. What 
was to be done ? 

He, however, bethought him that money had, 
so far, led him out of difficulty. He would try 
the aid of money again. He once more addressed 
himself to the cook. 

“ C.ook,” said he, “ would you go out on an 
errand for me ? ” 

Where to ? ” enquired Cook. 

“ Hush ! ” cried Parkin. “ Here are five dol- 
lars. Go to any shop in the neighborhood where 
they sell cutlery, and buy me a razor — a sharp 
one ! ” 

Now Cook already regarded the new girl as an 
insoluble enigma, and was prepared for almost 
any request from her, accompanied by a legal 
tender. But hearing a fellow-servant— a house- 
maid — a woman — deliberately and seriously de- 
mand so unfeminine an article as a razor, was 
too much for the cook’s feelings. 


96 


MBS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


‘‘ Holy Virgin ! ” she exclaimed. What in 
the world would you do wid a razor ! ” 

“ Never do you mind,” answered Parkin. Go 
and do as I tell you.” 

“ Is it murder you’re thinkin’ of ? ” resumed the 
cook, in horror. “Is it murder you’ve got in 
your mind this minute ? And av it’s on me you’re 
goin’ to try it, my girl, you won’t do it now ; mind 
that.” 

“Don’t speak so loud,” whispered Parkin, in 
an agony. “It isn’t anything wrong I want 
the razor for; but I must have it, and that’s 
all I have to say to you. I’m not goin’ to hurt 
you.” 

“ Tut ! ” said Cook. “ I’m not afeard of you 
nor of the likes of you ; but av it’s not me you’re 
goin’ to hurt, who is it ? ” 

“ Hush ! ” responded Parkin. “ I’m not goin’ 
to hurt anybody, but I must have a razoi* im- 
mediately. Did you never hear tell of steel-wine 
as a medicine ? ” 

“ I did,” replied Cook. 

“ And don’t you know that steel-wine is made 
from the very best of steel, and that’s razors ? ” 

“ Is it ? ” said Cook. 

“ It is,” replied Parkin. 


MMS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 97 

“ And are you takiii’ steel- wine ? ” enquired 
Cook. 

I am,” said Parkin. 

“ Give me the money,” said Cook ; which Par- 
kin did, and she departed, returning in a few 
minutes to find Mrs. Fizzlebury in the kitchen, 
and Parkin with his handkerchief up to his face 
and moaning as in pain. 

“ You had better go home,” said Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury. “You’re of no use whatever here; go 
home.” 

“So I will, ma’am,” muttered Parkin, “when 
the pain goes away a little, ma’am. I often have 
these spells on me, ma’am.” 

“ Here’s your physic,” said Cook to Parkin. 
“ I thought it better for you and safer ivery way 
to get it for you ready madeP And she handed 
to Parkin, to his unutterable disgust, a little 
phial labelled Steel Wine^ with about half the 
change to which he was justly entitled. 

Parkin scowled, but dared not make any re- 
mark in the presence of Mrs. Fizzlebury, who, 
inis taking the scowl for an evidence of nausea, 
whispered to the cook her belief that the New 
Girl was drunk. To which Cook replied : 

“ Indade, ma’am, I don’t know but you’re 


98 


ME8. FIZZLEBUBT^S NEW OIBL. 


rigM. I can’t make out wliat ails her at all, and 
I’m very glad to hear that ske’s goin’ away be- 
fore night, anyway.” 

Mrs. Fizzlebury left the kitchen soon after 
this conversation ; and she had scarcely shut the 
door behind her when Parkin, who could no 
longer contain his anger, dashed the phial of 
steel-wine on the kitchen floor and danced upon 
the pieces till he had ground them to powder. 
In this performance he was interrupted by the 
sound of the door-bell. 

“ What bell is that ? ” he enquired. 

“ That’s the door-bell,” said Cook. “ I’ll go 
to it.” Which she did, and, on her return, she 
announced to Parkin that Miss Arabella had 
come home. 

Parkin was indeed overjoyed at learning that 
Miss Arabella had returned. His martyrdom 
would now soon be over. He would see the 
young lady immediately, perform his mission, 
send Cook out for a carriage, and quit, in state, 
that accursed kitchen for ever. His malady was 
entirely gone now, and his usually good spirits 
had returned to him. 

“ Cook ! ” cried he, what can I do for 
you ? ” 


Mas. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL, 


99 


“ Pale them pitatoes,” answered Cook. And 
Parkin willingly peeled them. Then was heard 
the tinkling of one of the little bells directly over 
the chair in which he was sitting. 

“ Whose bell is that ? ” enquired the' l^ew 
Girl, nervously. 

“ That’s Miss Arabella’s bell,” replied Cook. 
“ I suppose I’ll have to answer it, seein’ as you 
can’t.” 

“ Oh, yes, I can. Cook,” said Parkin, and 
would have jumped from the chair but that his 
being somewhat fastened in the hole where the 
seat should have been detained him. Extricating 
himself, he repeated to the cook that he was 
quite well now and would go upstairs at once. 
Scarcely had he so said, however, when a recol- 
lection of his growing beard and moustache 
made him pause on the very threshold of his 
enterprise. He passed his hand rapidly over his 
chin and lips. There was no mistake about it ; 
the hairs were tangible, and must certainly be 
visible. What should he do ? Hold ! ” said 
Parkin to himself. “ I’ve been ill all the day. 
I’ll tie up my face in my handkerchief,” and he 
did so. And not for worlds would I venture to 
describe to you what Parkin looked like with 


100 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


that handkerchief under his chin and tied in a 
little knot on the top of his red wig. 

“ Which room is it ? ” enquired Parkin. 

The second floor back,” answered Cook ; and 
Parkin, catching up his skirts under his arms, 
strode upstairs in a state of nervous anxiety. 


CHAPTEE XIII. 


THE CONSPIRACY. 

While the events described in the preceding 
chapter were transpiring, Miss Arabella’s atten- 
tion was distracted by her inability — common 
to most persons — to do two things at one and 
the same time. She had to pack up her clothing 
for the proposed flight, and she could not remain 
two minutes without reading the Count’s letter 
over again, and especially those portions which 
she found to be particularly interesting. The 
consequence was, that while the letter was being 
learnt almost by heart, the clothes still lay scat- 
tered here and there about the apartment in 
ridiculous confusion. What puzzled her so 
much as to require frequent re-perusal, was the 
paragraph concerning the servant, in whom 
Monsieur de Couac placed so much confldence, 
and to whom he had so fully entrusted a knowl- 
edge of his plans. The servant was to come to 
her aid at or near the hour of the elopement, 


102 MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 

wMch was fixed for nine o’clock. But how was 
tliat domestic to assist her? Wliat was that 
domestic to do in the matter? Her romantic 
mind had already suggested to itself ladders of 
silken cords, a light vehicle, and horses that 
were to run as swiftly as the wind. But if it 
was to be an affair of rope-ladders attached to 
the window-sill, how was that attachment to be 
made? and would it be decent on her part to 
actually put her entire person out of the window 
and descend, while the Count, and, perhaps, the 
servant also, would be below ? She was terribly 
puzzled. 

Miss Arabella had risen from her knees before 
the trunk in which the clothes were to be 
packed, and had gone, for the twentieth time, to 
the table to again read the Count’s letter, when 
she was startled by a gentle scratching, rather 
than a knocking, at the door. Arabella was 
alarmed. It could not be Mamma ; — that was a 
blessing, — for Mamma had gone out shopping. 
Who, then, could it be ? Hiding the letter in 
her bosom, she unlocked the door and said. 

Come in ! ” 

The door was gently opened, and Parkin came 
stealthily and on ti23toe into the apartment. 


MMS. FIZZLEBURY^S NEW GIRL. 


108 


“ Oh, the New Girl,” said Arabella, scarcely 
glancing at him. “ I rang for you. Go down, 
if you please, and iron me a couple of collars, 
and bring them up immediately. Cook will give 
them to you from the wash.” 

Instead of. doing as he was bid, Pjfrkin closed 
the door and locked it, and then turned and 
faced Miss Fizzlebury. 

Why do you lock the door ? ” enquired the 
young lady. 

Hush,” said Parkin, mysteriously. “ Hush.” 

“ What on earth do you mean ? ” exclaimed 
Arabella. 

“ Hush,” said Parkin again, and with increased 
mystery and importance, but afraid to break the 
truth to the young* lady too suddenly, lest she 
should, by an ill-advised scream, spoil every- 
thing. “ Hush, Miss Fizzlebury ! I am not 
what I seem.” 

“ What is the meaning of all this ? ” exclaimed 
Arabella. “Are you crazy ? ” 

“ Hush ! I am not what I seem,” repeated 
Parkin, with the air of one who judged that, up 
to that moment, it was not prudent to say more. 
“ I am not what I seem.” 

“ I am very glad of that,” said Arabella, “ for 



“hush! I AM NOT WHAT I SEEM.” I 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


105 


you don’t seem very inviting. What do you 
want ? Answer me directly.” 

“ Hush ? ” whispered Parkin. “ I come from 
Mm, You know. From your lover. I am not 
what I seem. Hush ! don’t scream.” 

Now, when Parkin said : “ I come from Mm — 
your lover,” with a special emphasis on the pro- 
noun in the objective case, he, of course, referred 
to Potthausen. Miss Fizzlebury, on the contrary, 
who had entirely forgotten that young man, was 
struck with a dawning idea that the woman 
before her, whom she had taken for the New 
Girl, might in some way be connected with the 
subject of the letter in her bosom. Her color 
heightened, and Parkin proceeded with his some- 
what incoherent explanation. 

Hush ! Don’t scream, I beg and entreat you. 
Have you received his letters ? He fears they 
may have miscarried, and is distracted at the 
thought of their having been intercepted. Hush ! 
don’t scream. I am his confidant — his friend — • 
though you now behold me in this menial garb. 
I am not what I seem. I am here to serve him 
and to serve you. Trust me.” 

The light, in all its splendor, broke at once on 
Arabella’s mind. The Count had said in his 


106 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL. 


letter that his servant was in his confidence. 
This was the servant ; and how delicate of him 
to send to her assistance a female domestic in- 
stead of — as she had feared — a man-servant. 
Parkin’s appearance, just as Arabella was pack- 
ing for her flight with the Count, tallied exactly 
with the advices just to hand. A faint scream 
escaped her. 

‘‘ I am so glad and thankful that you have 
come,” said Arabella. (Parkin grinned with de- 
light at his success, so far.) “ I have this mo- 
ment received another letter from the dear fel- 
low. He will be here this evening at nine o’clock, 
with a carriage. He writes me that you will be 
here to aid in the elopement. We will fly.” 
(Parkin’s brow became clouded.) 

In fact this news staggered Parkin. It struck 
him as most unfriendly and improper on the 
part of Potthausen, that, after intrusting the 
whole atfair to him (Parkin) yesterday, he 
(Pott) should write another letter to-day, through 
some other channel, and arrange an elopement 
without his (Parkin’s) knowledge and conni- 
vance. He was puzzled. But perhaps Pott had 
received a letter from Arabella after the depar- 
ture of Parkin from Potthausen’s apartments the 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBY^S NEW GIRL. 


107 


evening before. It would be biglily indelicate 
to ask too many questions at that moment ; and 
at any rate, it was clear tbat Pott counted on 
the New Girl’s assistance in the matter, since he 
had mentioned Parkin in the letter jiist received 
by Miss Fizzlebury. It, at least, spared him the 
degrading necessity of explaining that the new 
girl was a man in female attire. 

“ This evening at nine, is it ? ” said Parkin, 
puzzled. 

“ Yes,” replied Arabella, “ at nine. Go to 
him at once, and let him know that I am re- 
solved to follow his advice, and will be ready.” 

Here was a fresh difficulty. Parkin could not 
or would not, go into the street in his costume. 
In the bundle which he had brought with him 
there were only his coat and pantaloons — noth- 
ing: more. And it was clear that if he went out 
to deliver the message, he would have to return, 
as he was depended on for assistance in the 
elopement. Yet a refusal to go, at the bidding 
of Miss Fizzlebury, would seem churlish, and 
might lead her to suspect his fidelity. 

“ I cannot leave- you. Miss Fizzlebury,” said 
Parkin. ‘‘ I promised him that I would not 
leave you for a moment, and I will not. But 


108 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


believe me, I shall find means of communication 
with your lover. Lend me a pencil and an en- 
velope, and trust to me.” 

‘^Nay,” answered Arabella, throwing into her 
voice all the coyness she could command ; it 
will perhaps be more gratifying to him if 1 
write, and I will do so discreetly, without signa- 
ture or address.” 

“ It will indeed be most gratifying to him,” 
exclaimed the delighted Parkin. 

And Miss Arabella wrote : 

“ I have seen your servant, and we understand 
each other perfectly. I await you at the hour 
appointed, and shall be ready. 

Devotedly and confidingly thine. A.” 

Admirable ! ” cried Parkin. “ I will direct 
it below, and dispatch it immediately.” 


CHAPTER XIV. 


THEEE IS SOME CONFUSION IN THE CORRESPOND- 
ENCE. 

On his return to the kitchen, Parkin was in- 
formed by Cook that the “ould woman” had 
gone out and would not be back before five 
o’clock — a providential circumstance ! Nothing 
could be more fortunate. He added to Ara- 
bella’s note a brief line, by way of postscript 
from himself, saying : “ Send your answer ad- 
dressed to me (Mary Murphy) ” — closed the 
envelope, and directed it to O. Potthausen, Esq., 
and dispatched it by Cook; for which service 
that unconscious confederate in Parkin’s wicked- 
ness received another fee of one dollar. Cook 
was to convey the letter only to the corner 
grocery, where a messenger was to be employed 
to take the epistle to its address. 

And now Parkin, having no menial work to 
perform, by reason of his previous financial ar- 
rangement with his fellow-servant (how true it 
is that some persons have riches thrust upon 


110 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


them !) was left to bridle his anxiety and endure 
the torture of his wig as well as he could until 
nine o’clock. He had been just twenty -four 
hours in the Fizzlebury service when he received 
Potthausen’s answer, duly addressed to “ Mary 
Murphy.” 

A million thanks, my dear Parkin, for your 
most valuable assistance, which has succeeded be- 
yond my most sanguine hopes. I will be there 
at nine o’clock with a carriage as you direct; 
but what the carriage is needed for I cannot, for 
the life of me, understand. If an elopement be 
intended, I fear you have gone too far in your 
zeal for my interests ; for I am free to confess 
that I am not, in any way, prepared for such a 
course. But I will be with you, nevertheless, at 
the hour which you have appointed. As for 
you, my dear Parkin, you are indeed a trump ; 
and there is nothing in my power that I would 
not do for you in return for your great kindness. 
Go on and prosper. 

“ Yours, in haste, and deej)ly grateful, 

“ O. P.” 

This letter was extremely puzzling to Parkin. 
“ If an elopement be intended ? ” What could 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT^S NEW GIBL. 


Ill 


Pott possibly mean by this remark after his 
letter to Arabella, wherein he himself had pro- 
posed this step ? Was he, at the critical moment, 
going to back out of the course which he him- 
self had suggested, and, indeed, urged ? That 
would be dishonorable to the last degree. 

And, by Jove ! ” thought Parkin, “if he show 
the white feather now, he will doubly dishonor 
me. No, no ! The girl expects an elopement, 
and an elopement she shall have, if I have to do 
it myself ; though she isn’t exactly the girl that 
I would fancy.” 

Several times in the course of the evening, he 
sought speech with Arabella in order to obtain 
an explanation; but he was always balked by 
the mother’s being in the parlor with her daugh- 
ter. He even volunteered to take dishes to the 
table at dinner, and he went so far as to wait on 
the family at that meal, where he made the most 
absurd signs to Arabella that he desired speech 
with her alone. She, poor girl, supposing that 
his horrible grimaces were intended only to let 
her know that he was on the alert for her sake, 
merely smiled at him behind her table-napkin, 
but, of course, said nothing. 

At length, and most unfortunately, Mr. Fizzle- 


112 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'8 NEW GIRL. 


bury caught Parkin in the act of winking at 
Arabella and making, generally, a most hideous 
picture of his countenance. 

“What on earth,” said Mr. Fizzlebury, “ is the 
matter with the woman ? Mary, what ails you ? ” 

Parkin’s face immediately resumed the absurd 
expression which the red wig and tbe handker- 
chief tied under his chin had imparted to it, and 
answered : 

“It’s the pain, sir. I’ve been quite bad all the 
day, sir.” 

“ Then you had better remain in the kitchen,” 
said Mrs. Fizzlebury, “ till you are ready to go 
home. I have been to the Intelligence Office 
and they have promised me another girl to-mor- 
row morning. Go down-stairs.” 

Parkin, accordingly, retired to the kitchen and 
resumed his seat in the seatless chair, to wait, 
with all the patience he could command, for 
nine o’clock ; while Arabella underwent a simi- 
larly trying process in her own room upstairs. 

At about half-past seven o’clock, however, cir- 
cumstances occurred which changed entirely the 
aspect of affairs. 


CHAPTER XV. 


HIGIILT DETRIMENTAL TO THE NEW GIRl’s CHAR- 
ACTER. 

It was between seven and eight o’clock, and 
Parkin was waiting anxiously for the hour of 
nine, when Mr. and Mrs. Fizzlebury walked sol- 
emnly into the kitchen, and, confronting Parkin 
and the other girl, opened a terrible battery on 
them in so systematic a manner as showed that 
their employers were not new to this perform- 
ance. 

“ Now just look here, girls, both of you,” said 
Mr. Fizzlebury, with the air of a judge who 
scarcely deemed it necessary to listen to evidence 
before pronouncing sentence ; I am a very 
peaceful man, and a very quiet man ; but I am 
not to be imposed on ; and I assure you that it 
will be best for the culprit to make a clean 
breast of it at once, and tell the truth without 



MMS. FIZZLEBUBY'S NEW GTBL. 


115 


evasion. Mrs. Fizzlebury, when she went out 
this afternoon, left a brooch on her dressing- 
table ” 

“A cameo brooch,’^ interrupted Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury, “ in a gold setting — worth eighty dollars.” 

“ That brooch,” resumed Mr. Fizzlebury, “ is 
gone. ^^obody has been here to take it but 
you two girls. One of you must have it. Now, 
give it up instantly, or I’ll have your trunks and 
your persons searched ! ” 

Parkin’s first impulse, on hearing this little 
oration, was to give Mr. Fizzlebury just ‘‘one” 
in his eye and floor 'him. Prudence, however, 
restrained our hero. He smiled contemptuously 
on Mrs. Fizzlebury, and bestowed on her hus- 
band a withering gaze, which had about as much 
effect on the old gentleman as if Parkin had 
simply requested him to go upstairs to bed. 

Cook, on the other hand, set up a terrible hul- 
labaloo. She denounced the house and all its in- 
mates ; declared that such a charge had never 
before been laid at her door; and actually 
foamed at the mouth in her fury, 

Mrs. Fizzlebury was equally vociferous, though 
not quite so vulgar, in her remarks; and Mr. 
Fizzlebury, seeing that the brooch was not forth- 


116 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBY^S NEW GIRL. 


coming, sallied out for a policeman, with whom 
he speedily returned. 

Then the scolding on the one side, the recrim- 
inations on the other, and the repeated calling 
of the parties to order by the policeman, com- 
bined to make a deafeuinoj clamor which might 

o o 

have been, and possibly was, heard at the 
corner. 

The policeman immediately instituted himself 
a court of enquiry, and gathered such particulars 
as could be got together out of the hurricane of 
words now raging around him. 

Come now, my girl,” at length said the offi- 
cer to Parkin. “ Come now ; if you have taken 
that brooch, just give it up at once and be done 
with it.” 

“ Hang your insolence ! ” answered Parkin, 
now thoroughly aroused. “ But Pll catch you 
somewhere, my fine fellow, where I shall not be 
compelled to hold my tongue, and then ” 

“ You threaten, do you ? ” said the policeman. 
‘‘That’s a dangerous woman, ma’am,” he re- 
marked, speaking to Mrs. Fizzlebury, and indi- 
cating Parkin ; “that’s a dangerous woman, and 
I think I’ve seen her face in the police court be- 
fore now, and more than once. Did you have a 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY^S NEW GIRL. 


117 


character with her? It’s my belief that she 
has taken your brooch.” 

“ I must insist on her being searched,” cried 
Mrs. Fizzlebury. 

“ I can’t search her myself, ma’am,” said the 
officer. “ It’s not allowed for us to search women. 
But if you will let some one go round for the 
matron, who does the searching of the female 
prisoners, that girl shall be searched immediately. 
I will wait here to see that she doesn’t make 
away with anything that’s about her person. 
She’s evidently a bad woman.” 

Whereupon Mr. Fizzlebury himself departed 
in search of the matron ; while Cook, full of the 
cowardly, cringing spirit peculiar to her class, 
and thinking that, if there really were a culprit 
in the case, she had better take steps towards 
clearing herself, began to turn State’s “ evi- 
dence,” and to implicate her fellow-servant. 

I niver,” said, or rather sobbed. Cook, “ in 
all the places I lived in, I niver yit was accused 
of takin’ a ha’porth of anything that didn’t belong 
to me. I’m a poor girl, but I’m honest. But 
whin other girls is brought into the house wid 
you, wid their pockets full of money — Lord knows 
liovv they gits it — it looks queer it does, an’ it’s 


118 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL. 


hard for an honest hard-workin’ girl to suffer 
for other people’s badness, so it is.” 

These remarks led the officer to make further 
enquiries, which resulted in the exposure of the 
fact that the New Grirl had “ heaps of money ” 
in her pocket. All of which looked very black, 
indeed, against Parkin, who felt really alarmed 
when Mr. Fizzlebury returned with the female 
searcher. 

Cook at once expressed herself willing to un- 
dergo the ordeal. ‘‘ Sarch me first, sir, av you 
plaise. It’s the first time that sich a thing was 
iver asked of -me; but sarch away, and all you’ll 
find won’t hurt you nor me neither.” 

The female searcher, who was a stout, muscu- 
lar woman, retired with Cook into the laundry, 
and presently returned, declaring that the woman 
had nothing but a little paper of snuff and a 
phial or half-pint flask containing whisky. 

“ Now, then,” exclaimed the policeman, indi- 
cating Parkin, “ search that girl.” 

“ Stay one moment,” cried Parkin. “ What 
money I may have had or may now have about 
me is nobody’s business but my own. And as to 
the brooch which that old fool — (you may ima- 
gine Mrs. Fizzlebury’s indignation on hearing 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY^S NEW GIRL. 


119 


herself so designated by a servant) — as to the 
brooch which that old fool pretends to have lost, 
I know nothing about it. I have no objection 
whatever to undergo this most humiliating pro- 
cess; but no woman shall search me. Police- 
man, you may do it if you like, but don’t let that 
woman touch me.” 

This was altogether a most natural, proper 
and decent exception for Parkin to take to the 
projected ordeal. But Mrs. Fizzlebury and the 
cook, still believing Parkin to be of their sex, 
simultaneously raised a cry of indignation at 

the brazen shamelessness of the impudent 
hussy.” (The gentle reader must endeavor to 
fancy Parkin a “ hussy.”) The policeman, him- 
self, blushed to the eyes at Parkin’s suggestion. 
At this moment the sound of wheels outside was 
heard, as of a carriage stopping in front of the 
house. ' 


CHAPTER XVI. 


THE MELAHCHOLT EXPOSURE. 

Parkin’s agitation was now intense. The car- 
riage was at the door. Potthausen would be ex- 
pecting to see the New Girl, at any moment, 
leave the house and come to explain to him the 
meaning of the suggestion regarding the neces- 
sity for the vehicle. Arabella, also, would be 
waiting for him to convey her out of the house, 
and into the arms of her impatient lover. Yet, 
there was Parkin, held at bay by an officer of 
the law on an absurd accusation of larceny, at 
the instance of two persons whom he regarded 
with unspeakable contempt, as the greatest idiots 
he had ever encountered in all his life. In his 
excitement he stamped on the floor, and, with 
the intention of pulling his hair out by the roots, 
he so misplaced the red wig, which, in his fury, 
he had forgotten, as nearly to expose to the per- 
sons around him the fact that he wore one. 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


121 


“ Finish your confounded folly at once,” cried 
Parkin, “ and let me go. I have a most particu- 
lar engagement, and cannot wait here for your 
nonsense, you infernal idiots. Here, officer, hej‘e 
are twenty dollars for you. Let me leave this 
beastly den immediately. I have a most impor- 
tant appointment, and — here in your ear— I am 
not what I seem.” And he held forth to the 
policeman four government notes of live dollars 
each. 

Bribe me, would you ? ” said the policeman, 
bringing his club smartly down on the wrist of 
Parkin’s extended arm. (The officer might not 
have been so active in refusing the money and in 
administering punishment, had he and Parkin 
been alone ; but no matter.) “ Bribe me, would 
you? There is no doubt of that girl’s guilt, 
ma’am; I think the best thing to do is to take 
her olf to the station at once, and lock her up 
for examination to-morrow morning.” 

Parkin’s wrist pained him exceedingly, and 
greatly increased his irritation. “ Fool ! ” he 
shouted to the policeman, “ let me go. I tell you 
again, I am not what I seem.” 

Arabella, cloaked and bonneted, was now on 
the kitchen stairs, waiting and wondering why 


122 


MRS. FXZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


Parkin had not come for her box of clothing, and 
to afford her the promised assistance in getting 
ber out of the house and placing her in the car- 
riage. 8he was mortified beyond measure at the 
altercation going on in the kitchen, when, now 
and again, the angry sounds confusedly reached 
her ear. But what could she do to allay the 
storm ? She knew that the carriage was in wait- 
ing, and was sure that the Count was in it and 
was looking, “with all his eyes” for her egress 
from the house. A happy thought struck her. 
She would go alone, and trust confidingly to the 
honor of the Count. And she started to go out 
at the basement door. 

It happened, however, that the carriage which 
had arrived was not the Count’s, did not contain 
that foreign adventurer, and had not been brought 
thither with any serious intention of an elope- 
ment. Its occupant was Mr. Otto Pott hausen, 
whom Miss Fizzlebury had not the remotest ex- 
pectation of seeing at that. time. 

The young lady had descended the stairs, and 
was proceeding to the basement door, when she 
was startled, and, indeed, arrested, by a voice not 
altogether unknown to her but which she could 
not at that moment identify, calling in a whisper 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


123 


tliroiigli tlie keyhole, ‘^Parkin! Parkin! I am 
here. Why don’t you come ? Parkin 1 Parkin ! ” 
On hearing which, the startled Arabella turned 
and fled up the stairs again, and almost fainted 
on the uppermost step. 

In the meanwhile, the policeman was insisting 
that Parkin should immediately put on his bon- 
net and be taken to the station. Our hero was 
frantic with excitement. A bright idea occurred 
to him. He would go out with the officer. At 
the door he would meet Potthausen, who would 
guarantee his (Parkin’s) respectability, and, if 
necessary, give bail for him. He could then re- 
turn into the house and conduct Arabella to the 
carriage. 

“ Officer 1 I will go with you,” said Parkin, 
tying the old bonnet under his chin, “ T will go 
with you at once ; ” and so saying, and seizing his 
bundle, he began rather to drag forth the police- 
man than to suffer that guardian of the peace to 
take him into custody. 

Stop ! ” said the policeman, seizing Parkin by 
the shoulder, and turning him half around and 
away from the kitchen door ; “ stop ! Let us have 
a look into that bundle, if you please,” and he 
snatched it from Parkin’s grasp. 


124 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'8 NEW GIBL. 


Just at this moment the noise of another car- 
riage stopping before the Fizzlebuiy mansion was 
distinctly heard on the kitchen stairs and in the 
kitchen. Arabella, still sitting disconsolate on 
the upjDermost step, was vexed beyond measure 
at this intrusion. There ! ” said she to herself 
^‘some stupid visitors I suppose. How awk- 
ward! This will spoil everything. I hope that 
the Count has not alighted ; he will be recog- 
nized.” 

As for Parkin, he was almost beside himself 
when he heard the other carriage stop at the 
door. “ Is it possible,” thought he, “ that Pott- 
hausen could be so foolish as to bring two car- 
riages. He could not have done more if he were 
going to be married publicly here in the house.” 
And Parkin, in his agony, turned with a pleading 
countenance to the policeman. 

“ Officer !” cried Parkin, “ not now. Do not, 
for mercy’s sake, open that bundle now. To-mor- 
row — by-and-by — at any time but now. I must 
go outside — to the station — anywhere. I must 
go out into the street immediately. Capture me 
— chain me. But let me go outside.” 

“Just you stay where you are,” retortod the 
officer, placing himself between Parkin and the 


MBS. FIZZLEBVBT'S NEW OIBL. 125 

kitchen door. “Just you stay .where you are 
till I look into this bundle.” 

And so saying, the policeman tore open the 
flimsy newspaper covering, and produced there- 
from, in the presence of Mr. and Mrs. Fizzlebury 
and the cook, a pair of trowsers and a coat. The 
lady and the cook appeared to be shocked be- 
yond the power of expression. Nor were their 
harrowed feelings at all calmed when the police- 
man, remarking, “ these are nice things, truly, 
for a girl to have in her bundle,” with a sudden 
and unexpected jerk drew the red wig otf Par- 
kin’s head, and the poor Custom-house ofiicer 
stood ignominiously revealed. 

His position was so overwhelmingly disgrace- 
ful, and was so keenly felt, that, but for the 
pride which partially overcame his sense of in- 
tense shame. Parkin would then and there have 
wept. And yet when the wig came oft, and 
Parkin felt again the fresh and revivifying air 
on his head — which had for twenty-eight hours 
su:ffered the inexpressible torture inflicted by 
that covering — it really seemed to Parkin a re- 
lief for which he ought to be for ever grateful. 
He could, at least, breathe again. 

The women, however, screamed — I might say 


126 


MBS, FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL. 


screeched — when the final exposure was made. 
Mrs. Fizzlebury, true to her instincts, at once 
turned on the cook. 

“Bridget, you must have brought this man 
into the house.” 

Bridget, eager to screen herself from the possi- 
ble consequences of this undeserved accusation, 
yelled the following observations in an angry 
voice, which was heard above the din of all 
other noises in the kitchen : 

“ A man ! Good Lord ! Mrs. Fizzlebury, I 
know nothing at all of the man, ma’am. I 
never seen the man till last night, ma’am. He 
slept outside in the garret hall. A man ! Jist 
let me git at him oncet, ma’am, that’s all I ask 
of you.” 

Parkin now felt really alarmed for his per- 
sonal safety. Cook being a brawny and evi- 
dently a very powerful person. 

“ Silence, woman ! ” said he, and turned to the * 
policeman. “ Officer, do not form an opinion of 
me from what you have seen here. I am not 
what I seem ! ” 

“No, I should say you are not,” said the 
officer; “but we’ll soon understand all about 
it.” And he was about to lay violent hands 


MR8. F1ZZLEBUR7^8 NEW GIRL. 


127 


on Parkin when a terrible uproar in the street, 
and directly in front of the honse, was heai^d. 
There were cries of Police ! police ! ” and even 
‘‘ Murder ! ” 


CHAPTER XVII. 


THE BATTLE OF THE RIVALS. 

The noise in the street increased. There were 
cries of various signification, as “ Part them ! 
Part them ! ” “ Shame to strike a little man like 

that!” “By jabers I the little one will be 
killed!” “Murder!” “Police!” 

The ofi&cer, as a matter of course, desired to 
maintain the capture of Parkin; but, after all, 
his crime was only petty larceny, and what was 
this in importance compared with murder which 
might happen in the street at any moment un- 
less the law immediately interfered ? “ Better,” 

thought the policeman, “save human life than 
punish a servant-girl or even a male impostor for 
the theft of a brooch.” The policeman accord- 
ingly rushed to the basement-door, closely fol- 
lowed by Parkin ; and, once there, a number of 
persons began, each in his own fashion, to relate 
the affair to the officer. 


3IJiS. FIZZLEBUMY'S NEW GIRL. 


120 


How a carriage stopped at the door, and a 
gentleman alighted from it, and went into the 
area, and down the steps to the door, where he 
remained some time, whispering something 
through the keyhole. How, after a time, an- 
other carriage came to the door, containing two 
persons, apparently a gentleman and his servant ; 
and the servant descended from the vehicle and 
stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the house^ 
as if expecting somebody to come out and join 
him. How, while so engaged, he detected the 
first gentleman whispering through the keyhole ; 
whereupon the servant returned to carriage ISTo. 
2 and communicated the fact to the second gen- 
tleman, who immediately alighted, walked into 
the area, and confronted the whispering party. 
How angry words, at first in a low key but 
gradually increasing in loudness, passed between 
the two gentlemen, and how, finally they came 
to blows, and the noisy and excited crowd gath- 
ered as by magic. 

The facts of the case, however, v^ere as fol- 
lows : 

When the Count’s servant, discovering Pott- 
hausen at the keyhole, had communicated this 
fa(d to his master, the Count, highly indignant 


130 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S MEW GIRL. 


at SO iin gentlemanlike a procedure at tlie door of 
a house which was the residence of his idol, 
stepped from the carriage and marched boldly 
into the area, where he confronted, and at once 
addressed, Potthausen. 

^‘Sare, I suppose you are a gentleman, and 
zerefore I make myself ze honor to inform you, 
in a manner ze most confidential, zat I am here 
on a mission ze most important. Zere is a lady 
in ze question, and your presence here will be to 
her and to me ze most disagreeable and incon- 
venient.” 

To which polite remark Mr. Potthausen, with- 
drawing from the keyhole, responded bluntly : 
“ I don’t know who you are, sir, or what the 
deuce you want here. You say there is a lady in 
the case. That is just exactly what is the matter 
with me. Therefore, if you are a man of honor, 
you will make yourself scarce immediately, for 
^there is a lady in my case, also.” 

“ Sare,” replied the Count, you must be make 
a mistake of ze number or of ze street. Zere is 
only one young lady in zis house, and she has a 
private engagement wiz me.” 

“ That cannot possibly be,” responded Pott- 
hausen. “ I have an* engagement with only one 


MJR3. FIZZLEBUBT^S NEW GIRL. 


131 


lady in this house, and that engagement is ex- 
tremely private, and must not be interfered 
with.” 

The light suddenly broke on the Count. 

“ Oh ! ” said he, I see it. Zere is no occasion 
to make quarrels between us. All on ze con- 
trary, you and me can act togezer. You are, 
wizout doubt, here to elope ze Mozzer.” 

“ The Mother ! ” shouted Potthausen, with in- 
dignation and the false English which is so cur- 
rent among young Americans at the present day. 
“ The Mother ! Not much, I ain’t. I am here 
for the Daughter, and it isn’t your business, any 
way.” 

At this moment a young lady, bonneted and 
shawled, and carrying a small hand-bag, appeared 
at the front-door. Arabella, finding the suspense 
too great to be endured in inactivity, had resolved 
on leaving the house without the aid of Parkin, 
and placing herself immediately under the affec- 
tionate protection of M. de Couac. She was at 
once and simultaneously recognized by Potthausen 
and the Count, and a rush was made up the front 
steps by both gentlemen. The young lady com- 
ing down, and her two lovers going up, met half 
way, face to face, and Arabella recognized Pott- 


132 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW OIRL. 


hausen. His presence at such a moment was a 
shock to her feelings, and she immediately turned 
for a hasty retreat into the paternal mansion. She 
had almost reached the door when a gust of wind 
blew it to, with a “ bang,” and she was locked 
out. To ring for admission was a course which 
she dared not take, since it would immediately 
lead to her exposure. In her perplexity she stood 
there, like a well-dressed statue (hind view), with 
her face to the front-door, in order to avoid 
recognition by the neighbors, whom the noise in 
the street had already called to the windows. 

In the meanwhile, the two gentlemen’s rivalry 
had broken out into an angry altercation, each 
one ordering the other off the steps under pen- 
alty of the consequences. 

“My friend!” said Mr. Potthausen, “if you 
do not immediately make yourself scarce you 
will be sorry for it.” 

“ Me make scarce I ” ejaculated the Count. 
“ I make youself scawe if you don’t go avay 
right avay ofE, eh ! ” 

“ Look here ! ” cried Mr. Potthausen, “ I have 
but one word to say to you. You ‘get,’ or I’ll 
sling you into the street.” 

“ Yes, sare, I will get zis young lady, and you 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


133 


shall be kick avay from ze before of the door ; ” 
and so saying, the Count seized one arm of Ara- 
bella as though he would lead her down the 
steps, in which movement he turned her half 
round towards himself. At the same moment, 
however, Mr. Potthausen seized the young lady 
as though to lead her down the steps, and turned 
her back again towards himself. 

Arabella screamed. Pott cried, You let that 
young lady’s arm alone or it will be worse for 
you.” And the French gentleman, who was 
now in a furious rage, said, ‘‘You let alone ze 
arm of zis demoiselle, or I plunge you my list in 
ze face.” 

Upon this, Mr. Potthausen let out with his 
disengaged arm, and struck the Count full on 
the forehead and eyes, throwing him back on 
the baluster, with Miss Arabella on him, her 
arm having remained in the French gentleman’s 
grasp. Disengaging himself, however, he aimed 
a blow at Mr. Potthausen, who followed with 
another. Both gentlemen then released their 
hold on the young lady, in order the better to 
grapple each other in an embrace, in which posi- 
tion they rolled together on to the sidewalk, Mr. 
Potthausen coming down on the upper and M. 


134 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBY'S NEW OIBL. 


de Couac on tlie netlier side. In this position 
Mr. Potthausen was incessantly belaboring M. 
de Couac’s ribs, while that gentleman was en- 
gaged in the pleasant amusement of pulling Mr. 
Potthausen’s hair out by the roots. The excite- 
ment attendant on these unusual performances 
was heightened by somewhat emphatic profanity 
on the part of Mr. Potthausen and violent yells 
of “ Murder ! ” and Police ! ” from the foreign 
gentleman, which were at once echoed by the 
motley crowd drawn together by the quarrel of 
the rivals. 

It was at this moment that the policeman, fol- 
lowed by Parkin, emerged from the basement- 
door. This evidence that that means of return- 
ing into the house was open, at once suggested 
to Arabella a means of escape from her present 
mortifying position. But ill-luck would appear 
to have been her portion that evening. As she 
was about to go in at the basement, she met her 
father and mother coming out. Both parents 
were much excited. 

What is all this about ? ” Mr. Fizzlebury 
had enquired, when he suddenly encountered 
Arabella, whom he supposed to have been upstairs 
in her room. Arabella, what in the world are 


MBS.. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIBL. 


135 


you doinfi^ in this crowd? How did you come 
here? ” 

And Mamma, opening her eyes very wide, as 
was her wont when she was astonished, said, 
“ Arabella ! explain yourself. How came you 
here ? ” 

To an ordinary girl, brought up with genuine 

little hatchet ” principles, this would have been 
a most embarrassing question to answer under 
the circumstances. But Arabella was not an 
ordinary girl, and her principles were not of the 
Washingtonian order. On the contrary, and as 
has been seen, she did not scruple to deceive her 
parents ; and the lady reader does not need to be 
told that the girl who will deceive her parents 
makes of falsehood an accomplishment of which 
she, in time, becomes rather proud than other- 
wise, and of which she will not scruple to avail 
herself in later years towards husband, children, 
or anybody else. 

Accordingly, when Miss Arabella was asked 
by her father and mother how she came to be at 
the basement-door at such a time, she rallied her 
imaginative resources and said, “ Upon my ^^^ord, 
I really don’t know. I put on my hat to go up 
to the stationer’s to enquire if my music-book 


136 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL. 


was bound; that man has had it three weeks, 
and he promised to send it home in a week ; and 
when I returned (the book is not bound yet), I 
found a crowd at the door, and such a noise, and 
a policeman ; and really I feel so alarmed that I 
believe I shall faint. Pray, give me a glass of 
water.” 

Outside, Parkin was the only person who 
seemed to understand the position of affairs. His 
first step was to take Potthausen, by main force, 
from off the French gentleman. His second was 
to jump into the carriage which was nearest to 
him, and which happened to be M. de Couac’s, 
and to pull Potthausen into it. M. de Couac, on 
witnessing this manoeuvre, called to Potthausen : 

Ah ! zat was your game, eh ! Why for you 
did not tell me you was here to elope ze ser- 
vant? I woidd have help you instead of to 
quarrel you.” Uttering which sentiment after 
his retreating rival, for Parkin had ordered the 
coachman, with the promise of a liberal fee, to 
drive as rapidly as possible away from the 
neighborhood' of the dreaded policeman, and to 
turn ever so many corners, M. de Couac directed 
his steps towards Potthausen’s carriage, which 
still remained in waiting. The policeman, how- 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW OIBL. 


137 


ever, feeling that it was necessary to arrest some- 
body., stopped M. de Couac and took him to the 
station, where he was detained till next morning, 
when he*was produced in a somewhat dishevelled 
condition before a magistrate, under a charge of 
‘^disorderly conduct in the streets.” A small 
fine was imposed upon him, and he paid it and 
was discharged. 


CHAPTER XVIIL 


BLACK FBIDAY AND HUMBLE PIE. 

During the interval succeeding the events de- 
scribed in the preceding chapter Mr. Fizzlebury 
had not been happy, Mrs. Fizzlebury had not 
been amiable, and Miss Fizzlebury had not been 
contented with her lot. 

The facts which had led to Miss Arabella’s 
presence on the front steps, coincidentally with 
the appearance of the two carriages before the 
door, had leaked out among the friends — wealthy 
and needy — of the Fizzlebury family ; and the 
reader does not need to be told that the most 
that could be made of the scandal was made by 
those friends, and especially by the wealthy ones. 
The double attempt at an elopement was magni- 
fied into all sorts of misconduct on the part of 
Miss Arabella, and exaggerated accounts of the 
affair accumulated to so great an extent that the 
Fizzlebury visiting list diminished rapidly under 
the fire of evil report. But the climax of this 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'S NEW GIRL. 


139 


unfortunate position was reached when it became 
known that Mr. Fizzlebnry had been made a 
victim of the disasters of the Stock Exchange on 
that now notorious Black Friday when so many 
honest men were ruined, so many unfortunate 
rogues were disgraced, and so many lucky scoun- 
drels enriched themselves with the plunder 
afEorded by that shameless opportunity. Mr. 
Fizzlebury, on the Saturday morning, awoke to 
find himself a poor though not a dishonored man. 

Then, indeed, did the Fizzlebury visiting-list 
become so small that it might all have been 
written on the smallest of visiting-cards. Peo- 
ple say that this dropping-off of “friends” in 
the time of adversity is an “old, old story.” It 
is none the less painful for being old ; and, be- 
tween the disgrace following on the elopement 
affair and the poverty brought on him by the 
Black Friday operations, Mr. Fizzlebury, in find- 
ing himself penniless and friendless, found him- 
self very miserable. His unmarried daughter 
remained “on his hands;” his wife’s temper, 
rendered more sour than ever by the reduced 
circumstances of the family, was almost insup- 
portable ; his conceit of his personal importance 
diminished with his visiting-list, and he was, per- 


140 


MBS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW OIRL. 


haps, the most unhappy retired carriage-builder 
that ever lived on this continent or elsewhere. 

Under these disheartening circumstances it 
may be regarded as not wonderful, though it 
may be looked upon by critical persons as some- 
what discreditable, that Mr. Fizzlebury called* 
on me one morning with a motive which the fol- 
lowing report of our conversation will disclose. 

Mr. Fizzlebury opened the interview by re- 
marking that it was a very fine day ; in which 
observation there certainly was nothing that 
could be considered either wonderful or dis- 
creditable. And I answered that it was; a 
very fine day, indeed. 

“ But a little cold, I think,” said Mr. Fizzle- 
bury. 

“ Yes,” I said, “ I believe it is a little cold ; ” 
and then there was a pause, to relieve which I 
added : “ but not very.” 

“ No,” answered Mr. Fizzlebury, “ I would 
not say very cold — no — but a little — well, rather 
chilly.” 

And again there was a pause. It was evi- 
dent that Mr. Fizzlebury desired to say some- 
thing and did not know how to begin it. 

After awhile, during which he had been ad- 


MMS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


141 


justing liis collar, toying with his watch-chain, 
and alternately crossing one leg over the other, 
he drew his chair nearer to mine and said : 

“ Serious changes have occurred with me 
since I last had the pleasure of seeing you.” • 

It was plain that changes had occurred ; for 
his coat was somewhat threadbare, and, under 
the pressure of misfortune, he had lost much of 
his former dignified, not to say haughty, air. 

I shall be sorry, sir,” I said, “ if the changes 
to which you refer ha^e not been fortunate 
ones.” 

He drew his chair still closer to mine, as 
though, notwithstanding that we were alone in 
the room, he dreaded to be heard by any other 
person; or, perhaps, he wished to impress me 
with the idea that he was about to be confiden- 
tial. 

“ They have not been fortunate, sir,” he said ; 
“ quite the contrary — quite the contrary. My 
circumstances in life have been sadly changed ; 
my means are greatly reduced ; and absurd and 
most scandalous reports have been circulated 
concerning my daughter. Have you heard of 
them ? ” 

I scarcely knew how to answer this question, 


142 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY^S NEW GIRL. 


remembering, as I did, bow much I bad to an- 
swer for in that connection. 

I — ab — I tbink I bave beard, sir,” said I, 
‘‘ some whispers of an affair not in tbe slightest 
degree compromising to tbe perfectly honorable 
reputation of Miss Fizzlebury, but I tbink I re- 
collect being told of an attempt to induce your 
daughter to — ab — leave your roof for tbe pur- 
pose of being married to somebody ” 

‘‘It was a plot, sir,” interrupted Mr. Fizzle- 
bury, with some vehemence — “ a shameful plot 
sir. A servant-girl^ in male disguise under her 
own garments^ was surreptitiously introduced 
into my bouse. That girl, sir, was a viper — a 
wretch — sent thither by a designing French im- 
postor to induce my daughter to enter into a 
marriage of which I never would have ap. 
proved.” 

This view of the case was so entirely at vari- 
ance with my understanding of Parkin’s sex and 
his mission in the Fizzlebury mansion that I 
was puzzled, and remained silent. 

“ The fact is, sir, that Ave indiscreetly took 
that woman on a written recommendation 
which, I have every reason to believe, was a 
forgery.” 


MM8. FIZZLEBUBT'8 NEW GIRL. 


143 


Remembering that I had acted the part of 
forger in that affair, I winced, and Mr. Fizzle- 
bury continued : 

“ Unfortunately, we were always changing 
servants in our house.” 

^‘A very bad thing to do, Mr. Fizzlebury,” 
said 1. 

It is,” answered Mr. Fizzlebury, “ a very bad 
thing, indeed. We keep only one servant at 
present, reduced circumstances compelling us to 
retrench ; but we have a good girl now, and I 
intend that she shall be retained. But the 
woman of whom 1 spoke was a viper. My wife 
has, of course, to help in the work of the house 
now, and so also has my daughter. But oh ! she 
was a viper.” 

“Who? Your daughter?” I stupidly en- 
quired. 

“ 'No, sir,” replied Mr. Fizzlebury ; “ I speak 
of that wretch without a character whom we 
employed — a viper. She stole my wife’s brooch 
— I am sure of it — and escaped during the 
tumult which was caused in the street by that 
French fellow — and — another person.” 

“You allude, sir,” I suggested, “ To Mr. Pott- 
hausen.” 


144 : 


MRS. FIZZLEBUBT'8 NEW GIRL. 


“Well, that is partly what I have come to 
speak to you aV)Out,” replied Mr. Fizzlebury. 
“ I am convinced that Mr. Potthaiisen’s pres- 
ence on that occasion was dictated by an honor- 
able, and, indeed, a friendly, motive. I am 
strongly impressed with the idea that that young 
man had some inkling of the designs of the for- 
eign miscreant, and purposely appeared on the 
scene to thwart them. It was most honorable 
on his part, and I esteem him more highly than 
I ever did. You must know that he and I are 
old friends. He was at a watering-place where 
my family spent the Summer before the last, and 
we all liked him very much — very much, indeed. 
Mrs. Fizzlebury thought very highly of young 
Mr. Potthausen — very highly ; and my daughter 
admired — well, perhaps,.! ought not to say so 
much to you, or to anybody, but my daughter 
had, and still has, the most exalted opinion of 
Mr. Potthausen. And, thank heaven, that 
Count, as he calls himself, was married yester- 
day. I saw it in the newspapers.” 

Was I awake, and did I hear correctly? The 
scene in that same room, a few months before, 
when Mr. Fizzlebury spoke of Pott with a dis- 
dain which he did not seek to conceal, flashed 


MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'S MEW OIBL. 


145 


across my mind, and I wondered what Mr. Fiz- 
zlebury could be driving at. 

“Yes, sir,” repeated Mr. Fizzlebiiry, “that 
young man’s conduct was most noble, and I 
honor him for it ; my wife honors him for it ; 
and my daughter, who always admi — well, why 
should I not say it openly ? — my daughter, who 
always admired Mr. Potthausen, now regards 
him in the light of her preserver. He saved 
her, sir, from* the degradation of marrying a 
vagabond, whom she never cared for. He 
shielded her from a danger of which, in her 
innocence, she was unconscious.” 

“ If the old fellow has been made by his 
daughter to believe all this,” thought I, “he 
must be very verdant.” 

“Indeed, I regret very much,” resumed Mr. 
Fizzlebury, “ that we have seen so little of young 
Mr. Potthausen at our house. My daughter, 
who has of late lapsed into a kind of melancholy, 
which is most injurious to her health, frequently 
says to me, bPapa, why does he never come 
here ? ’ I, of course, pretend not to know whom 
she refers to, and I say, ‘Who, my dear? ’ and 
she answers always, ‘That noble young man, 
my Preserver.’ It is very touching, sir, very.” 


146 MRS. FIZZLEBTTRT'S NEW GIRL. 

V 

“ But, Mr. Fizzlebury,” said I, “ I think it bet- 
ter that Mr. Potthausen should not go to your 
house. You know that his feelings towards 
your daughter were of the most affectionate 
character ; and he knows, for you made him so 
understand, that his aspirations in that quarter 
are utterly hopeless. Why, then should he ” 

Mr. Fizzlebury interrupted me. 

Hopeless ! Why should they be hopeless ? 
Is he not the Preserver of my child ? Must he 
not know that his feelings towards my daughter 
are reciprocated, and that I would do nothing 
that would interfere with my daughter’s happi- 
ness ? ” 

The motive of Mr. Fizzlebury’s visit to me 
now began to be extremely clear and intelli- 
gible. 

“ Am I, then, to understand, Mr. Fizzlebury,” 
I enquired, “ that Mr. Potthausen may entertain 
hopes of your daughter’s hand ? And may I so 
inform him ? ” 

“ Why not? ” answered Mr. Fizzlebury. “ Un- 
derstand me — I thrust my daughter on no man’s 
attention. I make no offer of my daughter’s 
affection to any man. But Mr. Potthausen 
has once expressed himself desirous of an alii- 


MBS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW OIRL. 


147 


ance with my family. That desire touched my 
daughter’s heart, sir ; and the feeling of friend- 
ship initiated at Lake Mahopac has ripened — 
ripened, sir, into something more — ah — well, let 
us say more tender since she has had occasion to 
regard him as her Preserver. If, then, those 
feelings are mutually entertained, am I to ob- 
struct the free interchange of honorable senti- 
ments ? I think not.” 

It was a wicked, because a malicious, thing to 
say ; but I could not help saying : 

“ But, Mr. Fizzlebury, you surely do not forget 
what I had the honor of saying to you when we 
met on a previous occasion — namely, that Mr. 
Potthausen’s father is only a baker ! ” 

“Well, sir, and what then?” replied the old 
hypocrite. “ What was I ? A carriage-builder. 
Only a carriage-builder, if you will allow me to 
say so. In the eyes of the world,” added Mr. 
Fizzlebury, with a touch of his ancient, dignified 
manner — “in the eyes of the world it may be 
that a carriage-builder, coming into contact as 
he does with customers — I may say clients — 
who are wealthy and occupy a certain station 
in society, may be considered higher in the social 
scale than one who puts on a white flannel suit 


148 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


of clothes to work in all night, and whose deah 
ings are at the rate of ten cents per customer. 
But I neither encourage nor countenance such 
weaknesses. You know that Shakespeare truly 
says: 

“ ‘ A man’s a man for a’ that ! ”’ 

I did not know that Shakespeare had said that, 
nor was I at all deceived by Mr. Fizzlebury’s 
hypocrisy. But it struck me that if the old gen- 
tleman believed that so shallow an artifice could 
induce Pott to marry Arabella, her father would 
be grievously disappointed. 

Alas ! How little do any of us know of the 
weaknesses of our neighbors or of our own ignor- 
ance of human nature ! 


CHAPTER XIX. 


PARKIN AGAIN MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF MR. 

FIZZLEBURY. 

I CALLED on Mr. Potthausen that evening, en- 
joying, in anticipation, the triumph with which 
he would receive the intelligence that the hand 
which he had once coveted, and which had been 
refused, was now actually offered to him. I 
dwelt in fancy on the indignant scorn with which 
Pott would repel the advances of the Fizzlebury 
family. 

“ Pott ! ” said I, “ I have rare fun for you. 
You remember how condescendingly Mr. Fizzle- 
bury offered to take bread from the Eighth Ave- 
nue Bakery, and how haughtily he refused to 
allow you to become a suitor for his daughter’s 
hand ? ” 

I do,” said Pott — “ the old upstart ! I re- 
member it perfectly; and a lucky escape it was 
for me.” 


160 


MBS. FIZZLEBURY'S NEW GIRL. 


“ Precisely. Well, times are much changed 
with the old gentleman now. He is almost 
ruined ; and, indeed, I believe, he is very poor.” 

“'I have heard of it,” said Pott, “and serve 
him right.” 

“ Quite so,” said I. “ But with the change in 
his fortunes has come also a change in his opi- 
nions. He was at my rooms to-day, and so 
nearly expressed a desire that you would renew 
your offer, that I may almost say he now wishes 
that you would marry his daughter.” 

“Indeed!” cried Pott. “Ha! ha! ha! I 
am not crazy enough to do so foolish a thing as 
that, I hope. Why, she would have eloped with 
that French fellow had it not been for the blun- 
der about Parkin. No, thank you. I am out of 
that, and I mean to keep out. I marry no 
woman who is in love mth somebody else. Mr. 
Fizzlebury may look elsewhere for a husband for 
his daughter.” ^ 

“ Why, of course,” said I ; “ and as that French 
scamp is married to somebody else ” 

“ Married ? ” exclaimed Pott. “ Whom did 
he marry ? ” 

“ Hid you not see it in the newspapers ? He 
married a widow with money. Some woman, 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


151 


doubtless, wbom he has cajoled with his title of 
Count. Yes, he is out of the way now, and Mr. 
Fizzlebury describes his daughter as most un- 
happy.” 

Unhappy ! ” said Pott. “ I am sorry to hear 
that.” 

‘‘ Most unhappy, her father says, and I think 
it serves her right.” 

“ I don’t quite see that,” answered Pott after 
a pause. She was wheedled by that fellow’s 
foreign airs, you see. And then she never refused 
me ; it was her father’s doing. I am sorry to 
know that she is unhappy.” 

^‘Well, I am not,” said I — not at all sorry. 

She is evidently a flirt, and ” 

Pray don’t say that,” cried Pott. “ Of course 
it is now all the same to me whom she marries. 
But I did love the girl once, and of course — it is 
nothing to me — but I — well, I don’t like to hear 
that she is unhappy.” 

Pott’s face, when he said this, exhibited so much 
of melancholy, and his conversation became so in- 
sipid, as though his mind were preoccupied — in- 
deed, it appeared to me' that he scarcely listened 
to anything that I said — that I made my visit a 
very short one, and left him in a brOwn study. 


152 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


Three days afterwards Pott called at my rooms 
and informed me that he was engaged to be mar- 
ried to Miss Fizzlebury, and that the wedding 
would take place in two months from that date. 


CHAPTER XX. 


THE WEDDINH BREAKFAST. 

It was a very quiet affair. Parkin was Pott’s 
“best man,” Miss Wobbleham was the only 
bridesmaid, and the company was not by any 
means numerous. But old Mr. Potthausen was 
there, so was Aunt Keduser, and so also was I. 

Mr. Fizzlebury was most attentive — I might 
say almost obsequious — to the elder Potthausen, 
who had made several rich and elegant presents 
to the wedded pair, and there was a very line 
breakfast when we returned from the church. 

At this meal, Arabella was radiant. That 
“ eye ” shone with the satisfaction of a mind 
that had carried its point and was contented. 
Mamma said to Mr. Potthausen a little more than 
was quite necessary concerning “former years 
when we lived in luxury and in a style very dif- 
ferent from that in which you see us now. But 
misfortunes will happen to people, and I sup- 


154 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'8 NEW OIRL. 


pose I ought not to complain ; but it is very 
hard — very hard on me especially,’’ etc., etc. 

The breakfast went off with great eclat. But 
several times dui-ing the meal Mr. Fizzlebury 
said to Parkin : 

It is very strange, Mr. Parkin ; this is the 
first time that I have had the pleasure of mak- 
ing your acquaintance, and yet it appears to me 
that I have met you, or somebody extremely like 
you, before.” 

And Parkin would stroke his moustache, which 
had grown again, and answer : 

“ Very likely, Mr. Fizzlebury. I am sure I 
have met you before. I would have known you 
anywhere.” 

After, however, we had drunk, in excellent 
champagne, several toasts, we all became very 
pleasant with each other, and so very hilarious 
that I think some of us must have talked a little 
too much. At any rate, I remember that I said 
to Mr. Fizzlebury, after he had for the fifth time 
repeated that he must have met Parkin some- 
where : 

“ Mr. Fizzlebury are you certain that you have 
met our friend, Mr. Parkin, before \ ” 

Mr. Fizzlebury said : 


MRS. FIZZLEBURY^S NEW GIRL. 


155 


“I cannot positively say that I have met Mr. 
Parkin, but his features appear to me not entirely 
unknown.” 

“ Do you remember,” I asked, the New Girl 
whom you received into your house and who 
stole Mrs. Fizzlebury’s brooch ” 

(Parkin was making all sorts of grimaces to 
telegraph me a petition not to proceed, but I 
continued.) 

“ The woman who, you informed me, had on 
male attire under her own clothing, and stole 
that brooch.” 

“The viper!” cried Mr. Fizzlebury. “You 
ask me if I remember her. I rather think I do ; 
though I must, in justice, say that the brooch 
was not stolen. Mrs. Fizzlebury found it on the 
carpet the next morning. But the girl was a 
WJ’etch, a viper.” 

Parkin, who had kept his eyes riveted on his 
plate while Mr. Fizzlebury was speaking, now 
raised them imploringly to me. But the cham- 
pagne had made me garrulous, and I went on : 

“Well, Mr. Fizzlebury,” said I, “that viper 
now sits at this table with us. She had not a 
moustache when she entered your service, be- 
cause I had shaved her that afternoon.” 


156 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT'8 NEW OIRL. 


“ You had shaved our ISTew Girl ! ” exclaimed 
Mrs. Fizzlebury from the other end of the table. 

“ With these hands, dear madam,” I answered, 
“ and there she sits. Parkin, why don’t you go 
out and take in the milk ? ” 

Parkin darted a look of anger at me, and 
rose to leave the table and the house. But Pott 
detained him, and made him sit down again and 
take a little more champagne, which restored his 
spirits so completely, and especially as we were 
all now laughing at the matter as a good joke, 
that Parkin finally consented to tell the whole 
story and make a clean breast of it. 

At first, Mrs. Fizzlebury scowled, and both 
fathers-in-law frowned; but, as the story went 
on, the angry countenances of the old people re- 
laxed into smiles, and then into hearty laughter 
as Parkin related the miseries which he suffered 
on that memorable day. 

The bride and bridegroom left ns at three 
o’clock, and then Parkin made to Mrs. Fizzle- 
bury the singular request that she would allow 
him to show us the spot in the attic on which he 
had slept on that memorable night, and the kit- 
chen where he had passed so many hours of 
misery. Mrs. Fizzlebury, who had not fre- 


MBS. FIZZLEBVBT'8 NEW GIRL. 


157 


quently refused wlien the champagne was of- 
fered and who was, therefore, in excellent spirits, 
readily consented, and Mr. and Mrs. Fizzlebury 
and myself followed Parkin up and down stairs 
and heard the story all over again. 

The rest is soon told. 

Mr. and Mrs. Potthausen live very happily 
together, chiefly for the reason that Potfc was 
unable to follow my advice touching the manage- 
ment of his wife. “ Pott,” said I, “be guided by 
me and let your wife understand, from the begin- 
ning, that you are to be the head of your family, 
and the master in your own house. Let Mrs. 
Potthausen obtain the mastery and you will be 
her slave for ever ; ” which I earnestly believed 
to be just such wise and good counsel as should 
be given to a friend under the circumstances. 
And Pott answered bravely and like a hero, 
“ Don’t be alarmed about me, dear boy. I mean 
to keep the upper hand in my own household, 
you may depend on it.” And Pott was so sin- 
cere and truthful a fellow that I feel certain 
that he believed what he was saying. 

It was not very long after the wedding, how- 
ever, before Pott had been brought by very slow 
degrees to the condition of a very obedient and 


158 


MRS. FIZZLEBURT^S NEW GIRL. 


docile husband, which is a true picture of him 
to-day. No woman of ordinary intelligence is 
married quite a week before she succeeds in dis- 
covering the weak point of her “ lord and mas- 
ter,” and learning how to make it the instrument 
of bringing him to submission. In Arabella’s 
case her weapon was tears. Pott could be very 
firm, and' even obstinate, until Arabella began to 
weep. But so soon as Pott saw the water gath- 
ering in that eye,” he was unmanned and his 
wife had conquered. These constant victories of 
the wife over the husband vexed him at first ; 
but he soon discovered that rebellion on his part 
only made the house very uncomfortable, and he 
gradually and quite unconsciously glided into 
the position of “ a most amiable husband.” 
Such, at least, was the verdict of all his lady 
acquaintances. 

The only point on which Pott stood out to the 
last was on the subject of a generous, afEection- 
ate, and most disinterested proposal made by Mr. 
and Mrs. Fizzlebury, whose poverty had become 
very pinching, to the etfect that their ^‘dear 
children should come and live with them.” “ It 
w'ould,” they said, “ be so much more economical 
for all parties, and they could all be together, 


MMS. FIZZLEBUMT'S NEW GIRL. 


159 


which would be the nicest thing in the world.” 
But Pott set his face so positively against this 
proposition, that Arabella, although she was 
greatly in favor of it, and always supported it, 
was obliged to abandon it in the end. 

Mr. and Mrs. Fizzlebury have been compelled, 
by the force of circumstances, to renounce the 
tinselled splendor in which they formerly in- 
dulged ; but they live comfortably on means de- 
rived from sources which are a secret to all the 
world excepting only their generous son in-law. 
They have also discovered, in respect of their one 
servant, that to be rather liberal than stingy with 
her, and to treat her as a fellow-creature who can 
appreciate a kindness and can resent an injury 
or an insult, is a wiser course than to incur the 
danger attendant on constantly changing one ser- 
vant for another. 

Parkin long since resolved that it would be 
best to stick to male attire, and to avoid being 
led, by mistaken devotion for friendship’s sake, 
into difficult and dangerous enterprises, which 
may promise to be of only half an hour’s dura- 
tion, but may extend to an almost unlimited 
period. He feels very sore when allusion is 
made, in the presence of strangers, to his perform- 


160 MBS. FIZZLEBUBT'S NEW GIRL. 

ances in Mr. Fizzlebury’s house. But at our lit- 
tle family dinners at Mrs. Potthausen’s (he and 
I dine there every Wednesday evening), we 
sometimes indulge in a slight pleasantry with 
him, by requesting him to “get up and ring the 
bell,” or to “go down-stairs for a scuttle of 
coals,” in his ancient capacity as the “New 
Girl.” 


THE EHD. 



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